#268

im so contented sitting in front of my computer today trying to listen to avril's new songs! :D
(hey i did spend a good part of the day with my sis at some random salon okay. it made me tired and grumpy.)

So many things I should've,Said when I had the chance,So many times we took it all for granted.

i haven bathed my dog yet. damn. she really needs her bath because she stinks.
hectic work ahead!
$$ (yes i'm so money faced)

#267

woots!
im taking a one week break (sorta) from work.

and im going for this treetops walk with LY and maybe yoketeng tmr! :D
happpppppyy. never been to a trekking/hiking trip before.
honestly i dont know what the hell i have been doing lately.
everyday im not free but idk what the heck i do now that i think back.

caught apple of my eye a while back and rather than noticing the romance part of the show, i am more attracted to the fact that "人生本來就很多事是徒勞無功的啊."

I think I am really void of feelings and emotions bloody hell. It was touching, but not to the extent that i will cry. i even watched this show twice cos another group of friends wanted to watch after i watched it! But come to think of it, my school life didn't include any shen jia yi sooooooo. makes sense what right.

And when i meet up with my friends, they say the same thing to me. "LONG TIME NO SEE!" i feel like a no lifer!

met up with has, huda and joyce and we are gonna meet up soon for "new year's eve!" excited. we always talk about rubbish but still have so much fun. the weirdest part about our friendship is we can all disappear suddenly and call for a meet up randomly.
celebrated LY's and Michelle's birthday recently and been meeting the girls quite alot lately.
MET ASHLEY FOR STUDY SESSION (i know, study what shit right i have been bumming for one year.) i need motivation to study korean. at home i cant do it, when i work i cant do it. im progressing so slowly i want to murder myself.

OH DID I MENTION I WENT TO QUEUE FOR THIS IPOD THING FOR MY MOM FOR LIKE 3 OVER HOURS? omo. life was pretty hectic the past week cos of work and meetups. december has so far been nice to me. let this year end on a better note please. i think i cannot stand any more drama. but i'm just going to take what i am given at this point of time and not ask for too much.

i have so many things that i need to do but i dont feel like using my brain today. but i do know i got to get started. damn im such a procrastinator. slap me! and i know random but i want to head over to IKEA one day :D

im off! "EXCITED FOR TMR."

#266

With every bit of little fame i have (yes i am under the delusion that i have a bit of fame), i have decided to give whatever minutes of fame i have in my hands to this guy i met on the train yesterday. *inserts squeals here*
How romantic.

He was a really... (sorry to burst my own bubble even) rude guy.
i mean seriously, which guy can be SO crude in such a public place.
It was a train carriage of idk maybe at least 20 cabins and of the so many cabins, i HAD to meet him.
there were so many doors and he had to step through that door that i went through.
At around 11pm on a friday night, the train was relatively full.
Yes it would make sense for people to move in while they should.
Yes you do have the right to ask people to move in.
Yes it is doing the whole society a big help for voicing out your concerns on people not moving their asses to the middle of the train.

BUT
NO its not alright to shout really loudly in the train and hurl abusive language after that.
NO it isn't alright to push people (rudely i might add) to make your way through wherever you want to go.
NO it isn't alright to glare at your friend when she was hinting that you were going too far (which you definitely were, in terms of your words, not your movement to the middle of the train)

and you know what was the biggest NO-NO? you shouldn't make that move to go towards the middle of the train half-heartedly. Go on, asshole, move on straight to the middle of the train like you said people should, instead of pushing your way past people only to stand like. behind me. That means what? I was standing in front of the second person on the train seat. That is fyi not the middle of the train.
SEE, another basketcase who does not practise what he preaches.

I was really mad at him saying the cb word in public so freely. I mean, does he even know the meaning of the word? Or he doesn't mind girls scolding lj. who am i kidding, he probably uses that word as freely as the word cb. It really speaks very negatively of a person who uses such words in the public. Couldn't you be more civilised? Why are you so mad anyway? That's the way it is to take trains in SG, cope with it dude. If you want to do something about it then go ahead, but do it nicely. Things would be so different if you actually asked people to move in nicely. People would look up to you.

That's just how it is. I would even feel embarrassed because i was not right smack in the middle of the train. But all i felt was anger and distaste towards him after his little dramatic fiasco. There were all sorts of people in the train, those who had a long day at work, those going out to have fun, those going home after having a night out with friends. They don't have to deal with your little uproar about not moving in the train. Well, they should move in and they might have not, because of whatever reasons they might have. But you didn't have to spoil their whole night.

You spoilt mine.

I hope you were embarrassed. I would be embarrassed at myself. bursting out all of the sudden and having a whole lot of people stare at me, and having the person in front of me cursing me silently while really holding her tongue because she really wanted to start off with her long lecture on how you should go take up some language lessons so that they aren't so colorful.

WHY OH WHY. WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE YOU EXIST TO MAKE ME DISLIKE YOU?

PS i dont actually remember his face anymore. but i'm upset with his really rude outburst after a few hours shift of work (where some customers were seriously mean) - yeah, all anger directed towards him as a result.

#265

if i didn't go for the run today, i guess i really won't know how much pent up energy i have within me. even after sprinting during the 3km run didnt make me feel tired. i just wanted to keep going on and on. i didn't run all the way though, plenty of walking jogging and running plus sprinting throughout the whole journey.
oh i miss the days where i could just run on and on without stopping.

"gotta start training up my stamina again."
i really have to burn away the excess energy within me.
or i really dont know where i will transfer the excess energy to...
(probably a bad temper) - which i am pretty sure won't be nice.

i am WAITING for the next running man episode to be uploaded. gosh i can't wait any longer!!!
practically revolving around this show.
okay im exaggerating.
but it's really damn funny.
Korean variety shows are so dramatic because each of the person has a role to play in the variety show.
AND THEY PLAY IT SO REAL AND WELL.
"initially i thought they were gonna come into singapore but it turns out that it was just a rumour."
Soooooooooo sad.
but a sparkle of hope remains because "a news said that they MIGHT come to SG! :D"

currently watching 败犬女王.
it is super funny and sad i cried a few times.
i dont really want to comment on the acting overall
but ethan is seriously awesome.
handsome plus good acting skills.
im willing to look past any other lousy acting.
LOL.
okay jokes.
i think this show is what a lot of people can relate to these days.
fighting to be first for everything, only to realize at the end that you actually have nothing.
(his friend in the show has EXTREMELY small eyes but somehow i think he is cute :D)

#264

i'm getting a little affected by Running Man.
Oh who am i kidding. I'm SUPER affected.
i get the really cute bubbly feeling bubbling inside me when i laugh while watching the show.
ah well, the only thing that paces my life slower.

i'm gonna go into hibernation mode and withdraw contacts for a month at least. (starting from today)

day three of my injury.
it doesn't seem to be healing. (if it is, it is healing REALLY slowly.)
sian. lost so much blood and plasma.
I really think i am super pitiful.
Funniest thing is it doesn't seem to hurt.

idk what im talking about i'm rambling again.
really moodless lately.
):

#263

im back for good this time.
i miss blogging so much.

met up with hannah on tuesday and we headed over to Bugis and popped by the temple at waterloo street.
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, i went to try to qiu qian. (:
so very interesting! ^^

#262

i'm so upset about the irresponsible cyclists at east coast park. okay i gather that it is relatively crowded on sunday afternoons, but i think people should keep on their lanes?

i barely scraped through one hour of cycling unscathed. well, that was before someone decided to turn to look at his kid instead of in front of him, thus leading to a crash between the two of us. 

SERIOUSLY? Dude, look in front while you are cycling instead of looking at your kid on your side! if you are so darn worried about your kid, get your jogging gear and jog by his side instead. at least when you crash into someone it wouldn't hurt so much. 

i was supposed to have fun and enjoy a little bit of time with myself but you spoilt it all. well, technically you didn't spoil it all, you were the trigger. 

i think the government should really make it necessary for all cyclists to have to obtain a license before they are allowed to cycle anywhere, even at home. because seriously, they are a danger when they recklessly cycle. 

1. They don't know how to cycle in their lanes. they have 3 lanes you know. two for cycling and roller blading (to and fro), one for jogging and walking. and yet you see people jogging on cycling tracks, and cyclists cycling on jogging tracks. i really tried resisting rolling my eyes but i couldn't take it towards the end. "i think i got even more frustrated than happy cycling on a sunday afternoon."

2. Overtaking is okay, but make sure it's done safely. How on earth can you just overtake without looking at your back to see that there is no one behind you going faster?! 

3. Don't start or stop abruptly. i almost banged into quite a number of people because of that. thank god my hand was constantly on the brake bar, seriously.

4. LOOK IN FRONT. that guy who banged into me was "I SWEAR" looking for his kid for at least 5 seconds. even if he didn't drive, i bet he knows the basic rule of never looking away from your front.
i tried my best to steer away from him, and i slowed down. pity he didn't and was actually going damn hell of the fast. Instead of saying sorry the whole family started asking me if i was okay. HELL, let me bang into you and have your knee bleeding profusely and i ask you that question alright?!

ended up with me having to endure with a whole lot of stares on my way home. which made me more pissed than i already am, because it was seriously annoying. i didn't want parents telling their kids that cycling recklessly was going to make them end up like me. I KNOW IM PARANOID. but i'm seriously sure i would tell my kid that. heck, people would think it's your fault what. you're the injured.

and if things CANNOT get worse, the bus driver of the bus that i got onto was a bad driver. he striked the kerb when he was going at lower than 20km per hour. comeon, drivers know how slow that is; a cyclist can be faster than him. to top it off, he horned a car incessantly so that he could get in the lane that he wanted. *speechless* his driving is probably worse than mine.

and then my mom had to call me and related a little drama over her end and asked me to be a messanger again. *rolls eyes* and asked me to buy food home for bro. *double roll-eyes*

im hell of the upset because i got injured and fell off my bike for the first time ever, and it wasn't even my fault. damn this basket, seriously. ANGRY. ):<

okay im done ranting. off to eat tauhuay that my sis bought for me (:

#261

time can be a real bitch at times.
i can't remember how long has it been since the start of myself trying to balance every single thing that plops down in front of me in my life.

meeting up with friends is a really tough thing for me, because i need so much time with myself but i am so caught up with my daily need-to-dos that i don't even have much time for myself.
every week i'm telling myself to keep some time off for myself, but something comes up almost every time and i'm off scrambling doing something which i don't exactly want to do but feel compelled to do.
it's just always me succumbing to the responsibilities.
and when i actually really get to spend like a while off the responsibilities and do the things a 20-year old would do, i feel almost guilty when i face back to reality, or when some email comes into my inbox.
i almost dont even want to look into the mail; just feel like deleting it all off.
there's just so much a person can take, and i think i'm nearing the brim. i would like to throw someone in my circumstances and see how long they would hold out before they throw in the towel. damn it i really do.

the lack of time is precisely why i hate people cancelling out on me, and i really cannot stand it when they do it anymore. i know i used to just suck it up and take it all in, but let's just put it this way, people change. i'm sick of that nonsense and what i have to face after that timing is now BLANK. because i blanked that timing out just for you, and when you back out in the last moment, it leaves me left with one thing to do; get back to the reality and do what i should be doing. and boy, it sucks big time, especially when i was looking forward to it because it is one of my favorite activity/what i missed doing/both. and then i am back to all that i knew you couldn't be trusted kind of thing, and that kind of i'm not going to want to hang out with you every again would pop into my head.

and i'm past caring if i am being demanding or unreasonable because dude, seriously? you don't cancel out on and and go on with that pushing the blame to me kinda thing. it just gets on my nerves increasingly and i just want to slap you awake. you were the one who cancelled. you jolly well take responsibility for your own bloody actions or my reaction is my hand on your face, and i'm telling you that seriously, you wont want that. i utterly hate that because of people like you, i now already plan back up plans, and honestly, those backup plans end up sounding so much better than the outing itself i wish i went for the back up plan instead. at least i don't get disappointed with it because my backup plans don't fail; you don't fail when you plan something with yourself.

i hate you people who make me feel small. and i'm not even sorry if i leave you behind. oh, and i'm seriously past caring about the fact of anyone from my past possibly hating on me. hate me all you want, just do it openly so we don't have to feel awkwardness. i can just get past that stage and ignore your presence when i see you in the streets.

i'm here to blog about my sickening day yesterday.
I'm summing it up in a statement.
"IT WAS HORRIBLE."
Well, i mean it is horrible enough that i have to do tons of housework everyday.
*i'll never stop grumbling about housework piled on me*

I HAVE TO MEET A COCKROACH HEAD ON.
well i mean it was in a container. i used my left hand to lift up this packet of thing which i wanted to throw away. AND THEN I SAW THAT CREATURE.

seriously, why dinosaurs die but the goddamn cockroaches aren't dead yet?
WHY DO THEY APPEAR TO FREAK ME OUT WHEN IM ALREADY SO TIRED):
i hate them!

AND THE BATTLE BETWEEN ME AND IT STARTED.
okay im really cruel. i was bent on killing it but i was terribly afraid of it.
i started looking for the insecticide but i couldn't find it anywhere. it just so happened that my mom came home and was at grandma's place. so i went over to see if she kept it somewhere else.
and so i asked her where it went to, guess what she said.
YES THAT HEARTLESS WOMAN TOLD ME "if its not under the sink means dont have"
*drop jaw in disbelief.*
i've been doing housework the whole of that day since i came home and this was what i got. a lone battle with the almighty cockroach which has a life that is super long.
note: by now i was terribly desperate, so i went back to check once again and affirmed that the big house is filled with plastic bags, boxes, (ACTUALLY REALLY EVERYTHING) but no insecticide.
i rushed to grandma house to get her insecticide and went home. each time i walked past that container which the cockroach resided in i looked in to check that its feelers is still there. i mean seriously, i didnt want to see it again in my ROOM or smth. IT HAD TO DIE.
im sorry cockroach but u have to die!
okay and then i moved a few items that i can (as many as i could actually) to one side so that not much things will be sprayed with that thing.
I EVEN MOVED THE FOOD OUT OF THE KITCHEN.
but the cockroach is still there. OMG RIGHT.
dont even sense its coming danger.
i know i sound ridiculous but seriously, i was apologizing while spraying that insecticide.
"YES I SPRAY IT MACHIAM LIKE ITS FREE"
but technically it is free cos its not mine...
and then it crawled up the box... and onto the food cover! i didnt dare to look.
and when i did, i screamed.
yeah it was dead but it was not on the food cover it was on the table top.
EWW GROSS.
and then i went to wash up the things at the sink (since it was dead)
AND THEN THE FOOD COVER DROP JUST WHEN I TURNED.
yeah. i screamed again.
WHAT.
i mean, what if it flew cos it got hit by the container then it hit the box and come hit me.
okay i know im far but WHAT IF RIGHT.
what ifs can kill me.
my imagination can kill me too.
goodness.

and then i went to my room to cry.
my hand was like trembling so it caused me to have to tickly feeling.
and i ended up laughing while crying.

IT WAS A HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE.
):

and its not the only bad experience man.
when i was changing the damn light bulb i was faced with so many obstacles.
the light bulb was right below many many boxes of tools and yada ya da.
IT WAS FREAKY DUSTY TOO.
and then when i finally got it,
i had to put things back before i could get out of that hole.
then when i went to screw back the bulb, i dropped the screwdriver...
so it was like hanging in mid air while i was trying to support it with one hand.
and i had a hard time trying to balance the super heavy lightbulb cover on one screw that has been a little tightened but is still loose and yet i cant unscrew it. then i climbed back up to screw it and thanked myself for having replaced a super idiotic light. TSK

AT THE END OF THIS WHOLE FIASCO I WAS PERSPIRING LIKE MAD. GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME.

Oh yeah i know i disappeared for awhile again.
Here's a nice post to share!

Pencil: you know, i'm really sorry.
Eraser: Sorry for what? you didn't do anything wrong!
Pencil: Well, everytime when i make a mistake, you will be there to erase my mistake. But, as time pass by, part of you are gone.
Eraser: You see, i'm made to this. Even though i know one of this days i'll be gone, and you have to replace me with another, i'm still happy to do this job. So don't be sad, it worries me (:
This is how true friends are supposed to be like. 

#260

All of us are racing against time. We are always chasing after what we want most within the shortest time frame. Thing is, are what we are chasing for forever worth our efforts? At the end of the day, do we sit down, take a reflection and feel accomplished?
Because if what I, for instance, is chasing for is worth everything, why do i feel more tired than accomplished and happy at the end of the day?
Have we all gotten our priorities wrong while fighting after our material wants?

What have all of us been doing to ourselves; fighting for things that would be due for the trash can in a few years down the road? Slaves to material goods.

Phones are the most typical example. when we were just toddlers, a toy telephone that would play out cute sounds at each button pressed could make our day. Then we wanted a phone, any phone; even if there was no color. The fact that it was a REAL phone could make our heads swell in front of our classmates. Slowly we wanted the colored ones, and then the smartphones. We are always chasing after the new models, the better ones, the faster processing ones. From i would die to have a phone, we now adopt the if its not the newest model, and if it lags i dont want it attitude.

I'm no saint. I go for stuffs that satisfy my needs and wants too. Between a chocolate that costs $1.00 and one that costs $2.50, i'm picking the $2.50 one, because i believe in paying for value. if its more expensive it has to be better. But i guess i draw the line somewhere. i wont pay 2000000 for a bag if i can get it for 20. COMEON NO ONE WOULD. no one in the right state of mind would anyway, unless he/she is a huge fan of the 2000000 bucks bag.

but at the end of the day, i wonder, for what are we doing all these for?

#259

I've been getting quite a lot of questions about my grandma's hospitalization.
And the story just gets shorter and shorter with each person's asking.
From telling the whole story in detail, i now just say this: my grandma had a stroke.

Pretty much would summarize the whole situation succinctly.
But a stroke can be major.
For someone like grandma who loves moving around on her own so much, who can't bear to see anyone putting in extra efforts for her, she must be very burdened with all these thoughts while lying there unconscious.

Nobody wanted this to happen, and it just really is a great misfortune that we were away on a holiday when she had a stroke on Thursday. If we weren't away on a holiday she would be able to get professional help on the same day, instead of Saturday afternoon. The first stroke that struck her was a major one and somehow it had led to hemorrhage in her brain due to a blood vessel that burst. We made it back in time to see her for one last time before she never opened her eyes to look at us and hold our hands when we held hers. The second stroke hit her on a Monday morning. And there she lay, eyes closed, with occasional coughing, sneezing and frowning because of the phlegm. Her fever never fully subsided. With her condition deteriorating every day, it seemed bleak and we were slowly losing hope that she would ever get better. Each time the nurse fed her milk through her nose and did aspiration of seeing if she digested what she was fed earlier, my heart would stop for a minute. "What if she didn't digest what she was fed, what would happen if coffee-colored liquid was aspirated, etc" You see, coffee colored liquid aspiration meant that there was internal bleeding somewhere in her. And this scared me. She couldn't be on most of her medication because her medication thins blood, etc. And thinning blood meant that the blood would flow faster, and if her brain has not stopped bleeding, it would lead to her death if the blood reached some part of her brain. And so, the doctors basically couldn't do anything. I just heard them repeating this sentences a number of times. "We just want to make her as comfortable as possible, and if anything happens, we wouldn't perform any CPR on her or use the electricity (okay idk what term they use but its the CPR thingy) to shock her awake." To me, it just meant that if my grandma died, they will just come over and pronounce the time that she died.
Suddenly, the nurses took her off the critical condition list 2 days ago. I can never figure out on what grounds they lifted her off. Maybe it was because she passed the initial critical stage of one week without another stroke occurring, but her fever is still there. And the worst thing is, when the fever comes, they give her panadol. Then it subsides, and nothing is done. It comes back and they give her panadol again.
They keep wanting to change her ward because grandma is considered to be contagious due to certain germs or bacteria that is living under her skin. "i don't know how she got it, but somehow she got it." And so, they first shifted her to this air-conditioned ward - "Which is pretty much stupid. I think the invention of an air-con in the hospital ward is stupid itself, not to mention placing patients who are contagious in the same ward together. Doesn't this mean that the germs would be spreading around in that room itself and mutating with each other thus leading to the birth of even more vicious germs? And more complications would occur, and more transferring of wards would thus be the result." And so, we didn't agree to it, but it wasn't due to this reason, grandma is very afraid of the cold. she cannot stand air-con. So grandma got shifted back to her previous ward but a different bed. And they want to change her again because they say they now have a non-aircon bed and she is still contagious.
"The change is still not done yet because my dad refuses to allow that, due to them not getting back to him on certain questions he raised." - but i bet they would try to find all ways and means to move my grandma!

coming clean.

i dare to say that all of us make mistakes. Some mistakes can be forgiven at a blink of an eye, others require more effort. Sometimes, the amount of effort required drains the hell out of you, and you get lethargic. It can get to a point that you no longer want to forgive. You just want to swipe everything off and be angry with the whole world.

And then i remember how i (somehow) coincidentally come across the weirdest things that tell me not to hate but love instead.
Like when i was in hongkong, there were like quite a few bowls for us to pick those leaves out from. i picked out something related to hatred and patience, etc. okay i cant really remember what was written anymore. i have the brain cells of a gold fish i think. my brain cells are probably mutated. alright that's not the point anyway. and back to my main point, basically it was telling me that hatred wouldnt do me any good, i should be more patient, or smth like that.
and then i kept thinking. am i not patient enough? how patient do i have to be?
one question repeated in my mind - "why was everything so unfair?"
or the daily horoscope by comitic which i read at the end of each day. how it uncannily seems to relate to how i should forgive people, stop burning my candle at both sides, learn how to trust, yada yada. (ALL ON DAYS WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT)

but i chose this path back then. i have no one to blame just because someone is in blissful state of not being in the know and all. and if time went back and i had the choice to change my mind, i would still do what i did despite knowing how much hurt and suffering i would have to go through alone.

yes i know it's damn difficult and darn hard to enter into my life. But everyone was once given a fair chance to walk in. Just know now that i usually won't let you into layer 10. most people make it to layer 1 only. that's how much many of you know about me. i'm sorry. i'm sorry that despite how hard some of you try, you are still at most at layer 8 or 9.

because layer 10 is a very different me. layer 10 lets all guards down. layer 10 needs protection. and because i dont know anyone who can protect this vulnerable me, i choose to not let you in on me. i'm a tough nut to crack i know. but i dont see the point of having someone see me cry but know nothing to tell me, nor do i see the point of having someone not knowing what to do when i'm at my worst. thing is, i know i might seem like happy all the time and all but i actually feel empty. i dont think people actually understand me. i think im really complicated and i think that although i can read most people like a book, no one ever knows how i feel. "or maybe they do but they dont voice it out." - actually i think u should voice it out to me, so that i would know, cos i just keep feeling im not worth anyone to remotely try to understand.

i chase people away alot when i'm at my weakest. because other than using this way, i don't know how to shift my attention away from my hurt. i don't go after people telling them to comfort me or whatsoever because i dont know how. i know how to give people advice, and i know what to say when they need to hear certain things, but sometimes i wish a mirrored me would talk to me so that i knew what to do.

deep down i know i wont be happy for doing things the way that im doing it now, but i just want to reduce any further disappointments alright? i know im selfish for doing such a thing, for hurting people while i burn my bridges, but i am really scared. yes i know, that inner 10th layer is actually some super vulnerable and insecure girl. there, i said it.

how does me saying what kind of person i actually am help? okay i should add on more negative traits right. to show that im actually not as perfect as i portray myself to be. i just like my picture to be perfect. i cant stand a taint. but for all these to take place, i try hard. i fight hard. harder than anyone else can ever imagine. i push myself to the limits and i dont ever want anyone to worry for me because i have this super big ego and pride standing in my way. yes im a prideful person.

but im super tired now. i just want a break.

i have to remove all past labels that i allowed people to place on me. im not that great. take me as a human would you? scold me when i put a strong front. yell at me if you have to, shake me awake. because how can you believe that perfection ever existed? i got caught for a while. i thought it was real.
but perfection is never real. it's just a facade for me to put on to hide behind.

for every action i take, there is a reason to it. i take every single step cautiously, and i articulate only after thinking through again and again. to an extent i feel tired of it. too diplomatic. too rational. too logical. no emotions. no feelings.

if you start to realize, you would know that i use anger to mask a lot of things. i use anger especially when i feel hurt. when i am extremely hurt, i use anger to show i am angry instead. in actual fact, i dont think i was ever angry. i was more hurt than angry. but i dont ever want to see people who care for me cry for me, because i dont know how to comfort you. this is the only way i can think of to prevent any tears. it just adds on to my pain, because its an additional pressure that i feel, and it makes me tired. because i dont like feeling angry.

im sad because through all these, after so much effort i made and how much struggles i go through daily, i dont feel understood. it's like no one actually appreciates what i have been doing. people are still angry at me, people are still venting out on me.

i feel pathetic. i feel trampled upon and i don't like this feeling at all. it's like im not worthy of people to love and care for while everyone else was worth my care and concern.
and i end up choosing to block people off because i dont even know how to explain. it's like i'd rather be alone and be angry with myself than have to answer a call or another what happened over at my phone. because if i had to answer this question, i am pointing it over to the fact that i was born. and i really dont like questioning my existance in this world. it scares me because sometimes the answers arent what anyone would like to hear or is prepared to hear.

these thoughts just flowed as i type. i had no idea all these was going in my head but i refused to acknowledge it.

yes im complicated and darn hard to understand. i wont ask anyone to stay because staying requires a tad too much effort at times. i shock people now and then with my emotional downturns. and the greatest turn off of all is: i might just get worse than this. i don't know.

#258

blogger changed their interface! it seems so different all of the sudden.
life has been really lacking of updates cos my scheduler had been destroyed by my bubble tea which i bought for my instructor awhile back.
"yeah i know excuses"
but fact what!
and how it happened...
cos this instructor is always asking me for bubble tea but the only one near my house that is good is CUP WALKER!
so i bought that for him once, and after that all my lessons are filled with me buying bubble tea for him... whenever he is the instructor.
i feel so bad towards my second instructor man. >.<
and so it happened this one fateful afternoon the guy in the bubble tea shop didnt seal the damn bubble tea properly.
AND DUMB ME DIDNT KNOW.
and soooooo.
yeap it leaked when i put it in my bag, thus damaging everything.
*at this point i thank everything and anything because my ipod wasnt damaged.*
i wouldnt be able to buy it even if i were a billionaire now. its not in production anymore.
OKAY I KNOW. exaggeration right? fineeeeeeeeeee.
but my point is i super love it so i would be sad if it died on me right!
and my poor scheduler then rest in peace with eau de bubble tea fragrance...

alright and i cant remember things that happened daily haha.

basically i just came back from a week at hk, shenzhen, and macau!
damn me cos i didnt get to try my bird nest egg tart when that was what i was for.
actually nothing that i wanted to do in my to-do list was done.
sigh....
but at least i have been to hk and shenzhen and macau! (:

and this pattern of mine always comes one week before my birthday every year. with each year it gets worse. i dont want to feel disappointed anymore so now i rather i chased everyone away from the start so i wont get disappointed cos basically i asked for it this time. im sorry but i dont want to raise my hopes up and fall even harder this time. 

and i cant resist the urge, simply have to blog.

i feel very short tempered lately. i dont feel myself and i know i dismiss these short temperedness with things like im just tired or something along the line.

i think things got to an extent where i dont even know what im doing to myself and my thoughts.

i just cant seem to be honest with my own thoughts. i am much better at putting my thoughts into words.

maybe i did everything so well that people really think that i'm doing well with it and i'm surviving awesomely. fact is, i try so hard to put myself back in one piece every single day. i hate my reality.

An idealist who is a realist in the eyes of many. i hide my emotions so much that i actually feel so void of it. i feel that i dont ever deserve to be happy, to love or to be loved. i think it happened so much that i dont ever think i have the right to be happy anymore.

i dont even know what i am.

do you know how scary it can be? to question yourself every single day on why hasnt a single bit of good befall on you? it doesnt matter how much people say they will be there or how much they say i deserve so much better. because i dont believe in words anymore. it doesnt matter if they move on any longer because they just prove that my theory stands tall. i no longer hurt so much when it happens.

i start to hate instead.

when you start to hate things and draw a line between you and the rest of the world, that's when you start to realize one very simple yet difficult thing: you wont accept people in your life and there is just this distance that grows greater between you and people.

you find yourself much more closed up than you ever were, and you just dont want to allow yourself to be emotionally attached to anyone as much as you ever were. you are sick and tired of being tired and you just dont want to continue anymore.

Did you take me for granted? because i remember.

因为对一个完美主义者而言，这是个污点。一个永远不管你怎么搽都搽不掉的污点；反而越搽越黑，从灰色变成现在的黑色。

#257

16 June 2011

"I'm now sitting in their 4-star hotel over in Anuradhapura. If you ask me, no i dont want to leave this place. i would gladly stay at this resort forever and ever and never return. Ah well i can dream. people have dreams."

It's about 5:30pm and we would be off to see two other sights.

the view at night at the stupa that i went to was super nice cos of the lightings.

LIKE CHRISTMAS TIME THOSE LIGHTINGS LIKE THAT.

Seriously, so far all the places that I've been to require lots of walking up stairs which are actually just rocks carved out not-very-evenly, sandy places, and yeap you got that right. I've got to move around many places barefooted. TRUST ME, when the sun is up there and you step on the sand, your feet scream HELP. i finally get how ants on a hot wok would feel. you cant stop moving or you would get burnt.

HELLO IM NOT EXAGGERATING! REALLY!

but our first stop from the start of the day was at Kurunagala's farm of some sort. we were actually there to release cows. i think damn shiok. cos by going there, i have a cow named after me and a SQUIRREL named after me. OMG SQUIRREL YOU KNOW. how many of you can hold on to this fast moving animal and actually have it named after you?!

shut up if you can do what i did.

i want to feel special tyvmbnty.

and then we went to see the rock temple.

okay basically the places i went to are mostly holy places of worship.

there is really alot of these places in sri lanka.

and really, the place is nice.

my photos look decent not cos of my photography skills. (my photography skills suck)

ITS REALLY THEIR SCENERY THAT MAKES EVERYTHING LOOK SO NICE.

the manuals are like super nice to me! omg talking about them make me miss them now. they are super smiley and they always bring me to different places to take photos. SO NICE RIGHT!

i wonder is it just me or are singaporeans really hostileeeeeeee. means im hostile too):

oh the tour is great, except for the way this outspoken unhappy person who makes me upset with the way she says of people. (us in question) oh man i really dont like her okay i shant talk about her.

oh and the manuals call me nanggi (which stands for younger sister) cos i am the youngest there haha.

OKAY I LOVE THE HOTEL HERE. I WANT TO STAY HERE FOREVER.

PS this resort is called Palm Garden Village Hotel. if you want to know more ask me! i'll gladly tell you how great this hotel is!

#256

15 June 2011

Woke up at 3:30AM again.

this time to offer food to 80 arhans.

oh i forgot to mention.

it's their really big day in Sri Lanka.

They celebrate the day that Venerable Mahathir brought Buddhism to Sri Lanka.

idk how to spell it. its called possum day or smth.

basically packed stuffs for the short getaway, play game and goff to find dad.

went to town again!

had KFC leyyy.

hahaha kfc never tasted so nice LOL.

then all the shops mostly closed due to the event.

i went to their rather decent shopping centre.

AND I HAD MY FIRST BASKIN ROBBINS ICE CREAM THERE!

hahahahah.

ya i always go malaysia, but i never ever ate that.

HAHAHA.

okay and we travelled in a tut tut.

hehe okay im tired. shall end this entry here! HAHA

#255

14 June 2011

I finally got a chance to go out to the town today!

to run some errands but at least i got out to see what's outside!

we waited for the taxi for one hour (YES ITS THAT LONG)

journey out to the town was about 1/2 hours cos it was school time so it was pretty congested.

the stores here are basically like those we see in little india.

didnt have any proper meals today.

they have this porridge gruel called kanji. surprisingly quite nice.

that bruise still hurts lol.

after running the errands we came back and went out for sightseeing!

we went to 2 holy places before going to a new meditation centre that Visaka manual is building. (yes they call nuns manual there)

the funniest thing is it rained each time we were visiting somewhere. awesome right. then their rain is rain then stop then rain again then stop again one.

the journey to each place was loooooooong. but i would say its worth the bumpy rides. cos the scenary was super nice.

btw the roads are so bumpy that i woke up with bruises here and there.

yes, that bumpy.

#254

In the world of emotions, we are given a choice to pick how we want to feel. I choose happiness.

13 June 2011

had to wake up and prepare by 5:15AM

T.T

really sleepy and i couldnt get up.

it was the ultimate busy day today!

i guess my body clock still works. I was up before 5AM.

"We had to carry this big bowl/4 small bowls of rice up a stretch of road barefooted."

and wooohooo i dk how i carried it, i ended up with a bruise on my head.

SOMEHOW (idk how) it cant be seen but oh boy i can feel it.

PAINFUL like mad.

we did the same thing for lunch and then went to do this transfer of merits.

Actually i got kind of spooked out.

cos i couldn't see anything and suddenly another person came along other then the three spirits we were supposed to transfer merits to.

you know? like you can't see them but they can see you thing.

After all these, we started getting prepared for our 3D2N Tour.

had a meeting and omg im super excited even though its not exactly what i was thinking of and all haha.

And once in a while over here, when things are quiet, i stop to think of people I'm close to in Singapore. Different people who give me different feelings. And i wonder, when things get to where they are, how did they happen, and why. We are all not perfect, and yet we demand perfection from those around us. We end up not being fair to everyone, including ourselves. Everyone gets upset and we end up taking on diverging paths. We somehow just can't seem to accept people for who they are. It's in us, all of us. Why?

After the talk, i knew even more that I can't hide away forever. I'm strong enough to stand again i know, because i stood before. I don't know what inner peace is, but what i know is that i will never find peace with myself in this really hectic dramatic lifestyle which i am really not interested in living. And this can't be changed if people around me don't change, and more importantly, if i dont change. but i do know that i can be able to do better if i am just able to let go.

And this, is what i have been in denial of.

#254

12 June 2011

"Your mind is powerful. It can lead you to success or ultimate failure."

All i do here is sleep!

couldn't wake up in the morning for morning prayers. the time for morning prayers is 3.45am by the way.

and i slept till it was time for breakfast. went back to eat breakfast which was basically fruits cos i didnt feel like eating their rice and etc etc. went to find dad after that.

have i mentioned i went to visit their super duper big kitchen? its madness to prepare so much food! (practically in pails) their pots and pans are like 1000000X larger than what we have at home.

alright exaggeration.

but you get what i mean.

and after that it was

*SIGH* SLEEP AGAIN.

woke up in the afternoon for prayers before lunch. to commemorate the 8th death anniversary of their teachers, the one i saw many years ago, before he passed away. we ate lunch with the puny yoghurt spoon instead of the big spoon cos our spoons went missing ):

you probably can guess what i did after this.

(YES SLEEP)

dad says its cos of the atmosphere here and the air humidity difference and idk what. all i knw is i want to sleeeeep.

I THINK IM JUST LAZY LA OKAY.

made dinner after evening prayers. okay its actually just cup noodles ahahhahaa.

my lips are so dry but i forgot my lip balm. ):

we had a short meditation during the short evening prayers. and suddenly i felt refreshed. i wasn't so tired anymore. this feeling is something i haven't felt before, especially these 6 months. i realized that in life we seek many answers, and live for the future, neglecting the present. we worry about many things, and these things cause us to never be able to find peace from within. we can't feel happy. we have too much in our heads, too much worry when all we should really be worrying about is when we would stop breathing, because no matter how hard life is, the only time when it all really ends is when breathing ceases.

Deep down i started to realize that i wont be able to find my inner peace, not when my mind is filled with all the hurt, pain and questions.

i wont know what tomorrow brings, but i do know that the drama for the next few days in sri lanka would cease. im far from drama, and im glad at it.

reality is something that i cant hide away from forever, but if i believe, i know what happiness can do to the reality of mine.

time can heal certain sort of pain. if things can be forgotten, i learnt that you shouldn't let it haunt you back by recounting to others if you can't let go. All you will do is reopen wounds and deepen your hate.

the serenity gets into you. it got into me.

#253

11 June 2011

Huda's Birthday today! (:

"Go to anywhere with an open heart to accept. and do anything with an open mind to adapt."

and i am already in sri lanka at this time.

Sri lanka's time zone lags behind by 2½ hours.

The first thing we were greeted with was their duty free shop after clearing their customs.

THEY SELL HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES AT THE ARRIVAL HALL.

i really mean household appliances, like refrigerators, washing machines, televisions, etc. and alot of tech stuffs.

TOTALLY UNLIKE ALL OTHER DFS i came about.

awesome right.

okay im joking.

have i mentioned that i got a free upgrade to business class cos economy class was full?

idk how it happened but yeah anw i gotta love emirates for that.

their service in biz class is (Y)

we reached at 2.15AM (S.L time)

oh and one thing i learnt there? dont change your money with government banks. the rates will all be fixed. the private banks can give you much better rates.

AND THEIR SERVICE IS REALLY SLOW.

its like they have all the time in the world.

Just changing the money and buying a sim card took 1½ hours.

MAD OR WHAT!

omg and the whole time all i wanted to do was sit on the bus so that i can sleep.

im serious.

eh but then again you can't blame me.

i mean, its 2.15 am (SGT 4.45am), way past my bed time.

their sun is glaringly bright.

you really squint when there is the sun saying hi to you.

and the ride can get pretty bumpy.

but people like me can just fall asleep when i want to sleep so to me, its nothing.

LOL!

honestly i like the life there. if i spoke their language, had no worries in the world, i might stay there even!

we stopped by their teahouse/cafe where they served milk tea where you get to add your own sugar. (if you let them add it yourself you would be drinking sugar) and i notice they love to use the spice marsala. (and no, i dont like that)

their bakery sells alot of things, and they dont store their loaves of bread properly. they leave it in the open. okay i dw think about the creepy crawlies on shelves.

and we continued our journey on the primary school but cute like anything bus.

I SAW A POLICE POST IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.

its damn crazy. like a small police post in the middle of a turnabout.

super cool! oh but bus move too fast for me to capture a shot ):

I SAW A RAILWAY TRAIN RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES.

yeah i know. i can see the same thing at bukit timah.

but this railway track i saw crossed roads. i mean, all cars had to stop for it to go. omggg hen cool leh i like!!!!!!

when we finally reached, we settled down and went to have breakfast. they eat those set yoghurt for every meal. its super fantastic. im so in love with yoghurt. after touring the meditation centre we went to help give out lunch. great experience. and omgosh they do this twice a day everyday.

OH AND THEY USE WOOD TO COOK.

because gas is really expensive up in the mountains.

Everything over at where i was is really basic, but you don't feel like you need anything else. It's like enough for you.

their food's spicy man, although it looked so harmless.

we continued walking around after lunch and went to join in a meditation group.

actually i didnt get the essence of meditation. i couldnt accept what i heard while i meditated. its as if i had a mind of my own and my mind didnt want to accept it because it was filled with a lot of other thoughts of my own.

Things will get better though, i'll find my answers.

#252

03 June 2011

Yijun's birthday today!

I don't remember if i lied to her alot.

okay i dont remember my lies.

but i know all of us pretended to 'FORGET' her birthday!

and she was really sad when none of us mentioned a thing.

till we went into CJ.

and she saw her cake.

OMG IMAGINE HER FACE.

and then we went to walk around after that cos we wanted to go to tanjong pagar for dinner.

with LY and ZY!

met them all at the MRT station.

she got shocked i think.

and then we took a bus down together and had dinner while waiting for joanne. tsk

joanne late again.

had those fruit tarty cake!

and then we went home tgther in circle line! :D

07 June 2011

Met yijun and zy for kungfu panda!

omg when it was a child it was so cuteeeeeeeeeeeeee.

actually this cartoon is not bad you know.

its hilarious for most parts of the show.

and i enjoyed it even though i didnt even watch part 1.

so its awesomely awesome (:

*btw i like the word awesome. thats why i use it incessantly. haha!

10 June 2011

Met girls at vivo for lunch!

reached abit late but still earlier than has to buy a cake.

met up with has in front of breadtalk

and then went off to harbourfrontcentre tgther to wait for the other two

WHO WENT TO WATCH KF2 tgther again after 3 years?

HAHA

i wonder if they sat couple seat again seriously.

okay i shall stop joking.

i love the girls because despite how we seem so distant at times, we are all the same when we meet up. we just catch up with one another, and end up having 100% fun.

got onto my flight at night after being super busy the minute i got home.

oh the amount of sleep i get is really.

so enjoyable.

HAHA

Strength

Where do you find your strength?

When something really hard crashes into our world, where do we turn to?

some of the things we count on: our family, friends, people we love, things we love to do.

there are so many more.

But when something really really hurts you, you have to remember that they can make it all better, but its up to yourself to pick yourself up from the fall and continue walking forward.

Time.

It can't heal all the pain, but it can allow you to replace unhappy memories with happy ones. You've got to let go to accept the happiness that is waiting to enter your life.

i've fallen before. i've had my fair share of downs enough for me to wise up and mellow down. i've learnt to pick myself up. i've learnt to grow up. i've been through many phases in life for me to start telling stories and theories of my own.

It's not easy to pick yourself up after falling time and again. But one thing i know for sure, each time you stand up, you learn something. You do, whether you see it now or 10, 20 years down the road. It pieces up what kind of person you were, have become, and will be. They are your own stories to tell. You have the decision to make with regards to how great you want it to be or how sad you want it to be.

You dont have to be strong for anyone else if you can't even answer to yourself. We all have our moments, moments where we just want to crawl into a corner to be found, to be comforted and hugged, someone to tell us its all gonna be okay, someone who will continually tell you all these till you believe them, till you are convinced totally.

i can speak so much negativity in life that i've forgotten how to be happy again. i've heard so much negativity from myself and people around me that i've changed into someone who doesn't even know how to be happy.

Do you know what it's like to be happy?

Do you know what it's like to be able to smile and not be afraid of anything that would happen?

Have we left all these behind in the process of growing up or have we been too caught up in our chases for a better future that we forgot the importance of our present happiness?

I don't plan for a better future anymore, because my plans always diverge.

we all get tired. we all want to wait for people around us to pull us up, but they can't do this for us all the time. we've got to get strong on our own. we've got to explore the ends of each tunnel on our own at times. we've got to close ourselves up at times to learn to get strong and be a better person for us and those around us.

i've got to get stronger than i am now. that's the amount of strength i need.

june hasnt ended!

so i shall wait till june end then i blog about june hohoho!

but i want blog abt sri lanka trip first.

but im tired alrd!

so tomorrow! :D

#251

been on MIA for long enough to shoot myself. ):

what if i forgot what i did!

nah it wont happen. thanks to my schedule book. :D

you know, its june now and i haven even posted may's entry.

but because im kinda excited to blog about my recent trip to sri lanka, i shall skip many nothing really special days and only talk about funny exciting days! :D

04 May 2011

was really super sian after some stuffs over at night on 3rd of may i remember. and so decided to go out to clarke quay. and cos sis needed to study for her exams we went out tgther :D

we took bus 80 all the way there. then we started talking. and we were nearing clarke quay. so we were telling each other must look out for clarke quay.

2 pairs of eyes right? but we ended up at harbourfront interchange.

AWESOME OR WHAT.

we cfm 100% plus chop sisters cos our directions bad like *idontevenknwhowtodescribeitnowlol*

so anw we ended up at vivo's starbucks. then 2 chefs came to sit beside us. and really talked super loud. =.=

then my sis said that woman sit till super unglam. so they sat and talked till like forever.

my sis damn pissed cos she cant study and i sian cos i want read the book on sri lanka but if i read i cant hear music cos i cant concentrate cos that book is boring but if i dont listen to music i hear their voice i sian. -.- see what i mean.

annoying people who cannot talk at a lower volume. THEY NOT IN KITCHEN LA NO NEED SHOUT WALAO EH!

then we went to LJS for dinner and got homeeeee! (:

07 May 2011

met yj for CJ!

oh yay i got to eat my chao nian gao.

and kimchi pancake :D

then i forgot what we did.

but i think we went far east to get her colleague wedding present preordered.

I THINK LA.

omg i cant rmb haha!

then we went to hougang mall to buy cake and dinner then homedddd :D

09 May 2011

AHHHH AVRIL CONCERT

i dont know why she so awesome but she is awesome. :)

her vocals are super powerful.

and i like this album also.

she sang alot of songs.

AND ENCORED SOMEMORE!

omg she never does this!

and this is the first concert of hers i've been to.

prolly the last cos i think she might not come out with anymore concerts):

but its okay if she come back.

TOTALLY FINE WITH ME COS SHE SINGS SO WELL

and writes nice songs!

it was a mad rush the whole day cos in the morn i had driving till 10:10am then i rushed to work then i rushed down to stadium. wooohooo. (Y) but i wasnt tired. :D HAHA!

11 & 13 May 2011

Met LY for dinner! (:

had long chat on 11th and 13th for a short while at pasir ris then i went off to find sis and yj over at plaza sing! then the three of us ate at cafe cartel (no i didnt eat la ahah). after that we went off to walk around and finally went homeee! :D

14 May 2011

met the girls to collect grad outfit!

end up i didnt even rent cos i borrow from yijun LOL

then we went off to vivo for picnic! :D

had alot of fun there with the girls!

super long didnt meet up alrd.

18 May 2011

MET HAS FOR MACBETH!

apart from the fact that the sound system not that good, everything about the show is good.

haha! its cos i read the book before.

and awesome partner i brought along with me.

has got so annoyed with the people behind us she keep complaining about them.

LOL.

i forgot what they did.

but they were annoying.

HAHA!

21 May 2011

BBQ at my house! :D

Love the people who came.

cant be bothered with those who didnt come and made up excuses not to come.

cause i use such small things to determine how much i mean to you.

and if thats how much i meant, then this is how much you get from me.

and that night was important to me because i needed certain answers.

and your presence would mean alot to me.

so i thank all of you who came and know my story (:

even if you dont, but came, thank you too :) ♥

23 May 2011

Met wenyi, nicholas and youwei for Kbox today!

eh this wenyi very bad.

she ming ming know how to sing the song but she always tells me she dk how to sing

then end up i always have to solo sing one.

TELL ME WHY SHE SO BAD.

speaking of K i kinda miss K leh.

):

so long didnt sing.

HAHA im a liar i just sang in my room this afternoon.

LOL

-.- okay i shall stop being so lame.

at this point of time i cant stop hiccuping.

and this is annoying me.

@.@

25 May 2011

met ashley for dinner and long chat! :)

updated her alot of things that i didnt cos i didnt meet up with her haha!

had pepper lunch and then we went home after that (:

"HAVE TO REMEMBER TO TAKE VIDEOS FROM HER HAHA"

26 May 2011

Grad day today! (:

and bro's chi birthday tooo!

went to fish and co for dinner at NEX after grad ceremony (:

♥ all my lovelies ♥♥

28 May 2011

Bro's bday today!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (:

went out for family dinner and then homed to cut cake! :D

i dont understand how on earth can this happen.

neither can i accept the fact that you allowed for this to happen and you ruined all of us.

all that could have been.

relationships

on a blogging roll now.

A friend once asked me this question.

"Would you rather be with the one you love or would you rather be with the one who loves you?"

We all know this is based on our own perceptions. Yet, i believe that the way we love another also shows who we are.

How sure are we that if we started a relationship with someone who loves us (but we do not love them), we would learn to give as much as we received at the start of the relationship? Although many arguments arise about the ending, I always believe that people who continually receive would continue receiving, maybe to an extent that we will one day take everything given to us for granted. There are two types of people in this world, those that give, and those that receive. There are grey areas within, but we all know we are more skewed to one side. As time goes by, the one giving is bound to get tired, and will not want to give anymore. You, on the other hand, have gotten used to the receiving. The sudden withdrawal by your partner is bound to leave you uncontented. Quarrels will follow and that's where the relationship is heading towards, downhill. Even the strongest love would waver if there is no return.

Being with the one you love is a choice. Its an arduous journey because you risk losing everything, including yourself. You would start circling your world around him/her. You face a much higher risk of being heartbroken because you opened your heart. In the game of love, you lose. But people like you tell yourself that between love and pride, you choose love. Because love is a beautiful thing. it gives you the strength to continue no matter how hard your life is. In the end, you are often the one who decides if this is what you really want, and when it is time to move on, you get up and move, stronger than how you were before the start of the relationship. More independent, more sure and certain of what you needed and wanted.

There's no such thing as unconditional love, because things would get to a point where you would want more than you have received. When expectations are not met, we get disappointed, and disappointments would slowly turn into dissatisfaction against the other.

Often, we would end up losing the one who loves us, and we regret as time goes by and we meet many others who never treat us as well. We want to turn back the clock, and reverse everything, but we all fail to realize that some things gone will never return. A heart once broken would not allow itself to be mended. pretty sad but true. as much as we hate to admit it, we hide into a shell that protects us so well, build walls to protect ourselves, only to hurt others in the process.

A relationship is a two way street. There's no room for a third party or all will be lost. Neither is there a way out because the only way out is a break up. If one party stops trying, the other would eventually stop too, because the amount of hurt and effort that one puts in is not enough to salvage a love that has been lost.

爱与被爱都是一种幸福的选择，只是看你选哪一个而已。

I ever watched a show, and i believe in this statement strongly.

“在爱情的过程里面，有一个人是一直站在付出比较多一点的那一方。所以受伤，嫉妒，开心，欢笑，所有爱情的感觉，我们都比对方多了一倍。当然伤害业会多了一倍。不过这些现在对方都感觉不到了，全部都留给我们承受。不过也正因为我们比别人多了一份爱，才有力量在伤痛中重新站起来。”

We should never take love given to us for granted, because the time will come one day where we will regret what we have not cherished.

#250

april now!

haha im such a procrastinator.

but im determined to blog down my life. :)

02 April 2011

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YULOON! (:

04 April 2011 - 12 April 2011

was away in taiwan with sis, yijun and wenning! (:

although we've never seen wenning before but very fast became shou with each other.

(MUST BE COS WENNING VERY FUNNY ALSO)

and i shall dedicate one blog post for taiwan :D

gosh idk when im going to get my lazy bones to do that.

taiwan's an awesome place. (:

oh and u can ask me for the itinerary of ours if you want (:

just email me! :D

12 April 2011

got back in singapore at like 12am plus plus.

slept for like i dk how long but then i went for ftt etrial test in the morning at like i think 10plus?

then there was a 45 min break and i was like dozing off here and there

the nervous nerves totally didnt get into my head

gosh i hate myself at times like this.

then i DOZED OFF DURING E TRIAL TEST.

sigh

getting old.

LOL.

AH WELL I PASSED SO THOSE LAMENTS ARE UNCALLED FOR (:

now left with practical lessons :D

13 April 2011

Sis and i met yijun to go CJ to pass them the stuffs we bought for them over at taiwan (:

(WEARESONICE)

Went to find anqi and zy at city hall for lunch at astons!

passed them their presents and anqi's posters (SEE SO NICE)

left there to go catch limitless over at the cathay!

limitless is a good show.

haha i like shows like this.

14 April 2011

walked home with wenyi from ubi after driving lessons!

ahh i love walks like this. :D

and we bought the 1dollar ice cream to eat otw home

((:

15 April 2011

went to kallang with mother so she can fry hei bi hiam.

HAHAHA

the smell was crazily overpowering i kept coughing in the house.

and then mother told me she was going to go for acupuncture and she told me i should go walk around somewhere.

POOR ME.

and so i went to find three of them over at suntec!

after that i went back to kallang to find mom.

okay i lied. i actually went to walk around and spent a bomb before going back to find mom.

hehh hehh.

and then i went for like a joy ride around here and there before finally going home to shower before going to BBQ :D

this reminds me, i have to book pit alrd! :D

EXCITED.

I LOVE to BBQ food HAHAHA!

i spent 2 hours in the bus.

im not joking.

omg i hate the jams. i sat till my whole back stiffen HAHAHA

wth im getting old.

the fire couldnt start and so we went to microwave the food so that people can eat the cooked food first :D

and then wenyi walked me to the bus stop :D

took less than an hour to get home.

(now you know why i love going home at the dead of the night. NO JAM)

16 April 2011

Met yijun for cycling today! :D

we cycled around sengkang estate before going back to her house to return her probably now broken bike.

headed over to jacks place for lunch before going home! :D

YAY I LOVE CYCLING :D

idc if im bad at it, at least i learn.

HAH!

17 April 2011

yay i cooked dinner today!

EVEN THOUGH its like not cooking cos all instant food.

and the worst thing is.

): i actually forgot to take pictures. actually no i did but only the sweet and sour pork picture was saved. ):

19 April 2011

yayness i cooked today again!

cooked bak kut teh leh:D

and i almost drove my mom nuts by telling her that i didnt want to cook instant food.

and so we went to buy the herbs before we went home to cook. :D

had to rush through the cooking because i had work at night!

tiring but never mind it was funnnnn ^^

20 April 2011

accompanied mom to SEAB to pay for sister's exam fees.

turns out SEAB was super near to clarke quay so mom alighted me down at one bus stop to take a bus down to clarke quay!

heh i went to starbucks to stare into space.

:D

i love starbucks.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!

met zy later to go over to party world for k with jiayan!

super long didnt see jiayan alrd!

and then went home after that!

*love walking home from kovan at night.

21 April 2011

went for driving in the morning before going home to shower and then came out of the house to go work at night.

met zy before work cos just nice he end work early and needed to kill time

we went to eat auntie anne! :DDDD

i love auntie anneeeee HEHEHE

23 April 2011

Movie marathoned with yijun!

we caught Rio and and and Source Code!

AWESOME SHOWS

though rio is lighthearted, and for kids, but i learnt something from there.

If we never try, we wouldn't ever know what we are capable of.

*sorry brain abit dead i really no strength to talk about what i learnt from the movies.

yeah i know "what i do right, all i do is bum around everyday, only go out for wasting money ): but HEY! bumming around also need energy one!"

alright stop justifying my laziness):

and after that we went over to hougang to find joanne so that she can go dye her hair.

wow very bright color.

LOL.

and dad keeps asking me what i did at the salon.

HIII i didnt do anything.

i think he wants me to dye my hair too.

25 April 2011

Went to collect stuff with sis and mom in the afternoon.

then we went off to compass to get our lunch.

(time was like 3 plus luh ): )

and i bought famous amos cookies! :D

by the time i blog about this date, the cookies are alrd gone.

HAHAHA

love butterscotch cookies from famous amos! :D

26 April 2011

met zy for lunch before going off to find joanne at work!

and i ended up becoming her pao tui today

went to subway to buy her burger, then went to mac to buy her fries then went to cold storage to buy annie her 100 plus.

did i mention i bought her a drink from gong cha before going over to CJ?

tsktsktsk.

she waited for me after work and we homed tgther with ah wei and ah kang!

those two people really damn bully.

sighhhhh.

27 April 2011

met zy for lunch before (supposedly meeting joanne at somerset) going home.

she is a nugget. tell me she will meet me there but end up she lazy ):

and so i went off to work after lazing around at home. LOL

28 April 2011

yayyyy went for driving lessons and then came home to waste time abit before going off to meet wenyi at house bus stop!

walked to hock lam beef and then cos we were not hungry we ended up walking to heartland mall and stroll around before going back to hock lam beef for a very very very very filling dinner! :D

and the food was nice :D

yay i finally ate hock lam beef after... 1 year of craving!

HAHAHHA

29 April 2011

met zy for lunch at vivo and then after that went to find mom at farrer park! :D

end up go grocery shopping with her and went around here and there with her before going off to somerset alone to sit at starbucks over a nice cup of ice latte. :))

worked and came home with a fright thanks to sis.

but thank goodness its all over now. (:

30 April 2011

SUPPOSED to go cycling with wenyi in the morning but the weather really sucks.

end up want rain no rain dk got rain anot.

grrrrr.

then went off to find yijun to go CJ to have lunch! :D

yay i ate my chao nian gao.

happppy happppy day! :D

went off to fareast to er i really forgot.

HAHAHAH

i was joking!

end up yj only managed to get 1 thing on her list of things to be done completed.

"buy smth for her colleague's wedding."

tsktsk

YAYYYYNESS IM DONE WITH APRIL :)

PS i've got to learn how to spell itinerary - i googled the spelling. HAHHAA

tag replies only (:

Lepak: hi, sorry but i dont understand malay..

Sophia: No problem on that! (:

BLOGOBO: (:

Silvia: Haha welcome! (:

Mary: Hi, enlighten me on what's barter feature? Would love to try new things (:

Atiqah: cool! its for us to go read random entries? haha

#249

hoho it has been long!

last update was since i went to taiwan for grad trip and came back (:

ready for march? :D

06 March 2011

lunched with family at Jumbo tgther with grandaunt!

haha i can't remember what else we did but it was family day! :D

07 March 2011

ASHLEY's BIRTHDAY TDY! (:

Went for interview with Yijun over at tampines in the afternoon before going off to do ashley's birthday cake. Hehe. last minute decision but it was super nerve breaking to do that cake. (from here i can see that i wont make it as a baker so very sadly) and then off to find ashley over at amk for dinner at fish and co! :D and after that we went to K at broadway plaza there hehe. homed after that (:

08 March 2011

gosh had another 2 sessions of driving today. instructor is nice but strict too i rmb, but i learn alot under him. (but i shall not really talk about driving cos i always feel so silly after each lesson ): )

09 March 2011

Went for ICA job thingy with Anqi tdy! It's super fun! i remember how anqi was crazily searching the boot of the car. (she has potential to work at the chop passport place) HAHA. met yijun for dinner at happy chef :D hehehe i love happy chef! :D :D :D

14 March 2011

Met Yuloon Mummy today at Novena! :D had lunch tgther before walking around everywhere in novena square. hoho. left at 4 plus later to go buy stuffs at china town before meeting mom at compass point for i forgot what but i know i went there. HAHA. oh and i walked all the way from outram park to clarke quay to take train! yes i know its a straight line but people might also get lost and tired and give up along the way right! so its justified as an accomplishment! Hhohoho.

15 March 2011

Met LY and wenyi for cycling at east coast park! (learnt cycling tdy) WEEEE ACHIEVEMENT LIKE ANYTHING) i took like 1 hour plus i think, and steering have problem (okay fine my steering always have problem. i shall face up to it bravely) AND I DIDNT FALL! :D OMG SO HAPPPPPPPI. (please let me be happy while i can okay thankyou) and met ashley and leonard for dinner at watami@bishan! :D and so paisei cos leonard paid for the meal! but the food was niceeeeeee :D :D

17 March 2011

Met yijun and zhengyao for movie tdy! watched the red riding hood, its a not bad movie, with a real special twist towards the end. Pretty cool! and then we went walking around to orchard central and sat at coffee bean to talk. hoho. and and and then we went to art friend to take a look. :D went for dinner thereafter before going home! :D

20 March 2011

MOM's birthday today!

went for dinner at raffles town club with family

(photos with sister)

shall update with photos once i get it:D

21 March 2011

Met yijun and zhengyao to celebrate zy's birthday!

we went to K at clarke quay's party world and played Happy birthday song.

but the happy birthday song was super epic and haha we ended up singing the song ourselves.

and we gave him a scardy cat lion. its a scardy cat lion cos i said so. went off to have dinner at marina square to spend the marina square vouchers after that (: hoho, and feeling very very full after that, we went home! :D

22 March 2011

worked full day today cos night plans was cancelled in the end and sis needed to find replacement for the night ):

23 March 2011

ZHENGYAO's BIRTHDAY TODAY!

and seriously, my planner wrote nothing else. i cant remember what i did. ):

25 March 2011

Met yijun for cycling and then lunch at BBQ chicken! :D then we went to watch sucker punch. i honestly feel there is something more to this show but i just can't figure it out. There's got to be something lehhh! homed after that after buying dinner for brother.

"And so, the movie started off with the death of a very rich mom of two girls. She left behind everything to her daughters, much to the (i would say evil) stepfather's anger. He attempted to rape the protagonist one day, but failed. and when it failed, he locked the protagonist in her room and turned to her younger sister and tried to rape her. the sister ran to hide in the closet, and while he was trying to unlock the door, the protagonist got out of her room by jumping out of the window and grabbing a gun, and attempted to shoot him. With a miss, what she found was her sister, breathless. he took this opportunity to send her to the home for the mentally insane, where she struggled to get out with a plan. Together with the rest, they attempted to get out. A wise man in her fantasies told her that they needed to obtain 5 things to get out. A map, fire, knife, key, and the fifth thing was a mystery that only the protagonist could discover herself. A clue was that it required a sacrifice. Obtaining the first four items was a drift between reality and imagination. Sacrifices were made in between obtaining the items, and eventually, what was left was the protagonist and another girl. The last item, as deduced by the protagonist, was her herself. She needed to be sacrificed in order to complete the other girl's story. The story then goes on to the part where the protagonist just finished her lobotomy, and reveals that the psychiatrist have never agreed to this lobotomy. Her stepfather bribed someone to forge the signature. Police is brought in and the next scene shows the girl who escaped getting on the bus. the bus driver helps her on when she was stopped by police officers who found her suspicious. she has no documents and would have been caught without the help of the driver. It turns out that the driver is the same man who appeared in the fantasy of the protagonist. He tells her that she still has a long journey ahead, and the story ends with the bus driving off."

What i think is that this movie teaches you something about life. from the time where she got inside the mentally insane institute, she was observing every single thing. Right from the start she was plotting her escape. And she did it, she could have escaped successfully. She chose to give up her chances of escaping to another who needed it more. She was happy to be lobotomized probably because she rather she forgot everything. The other girl still had a long way to go after escaping, and the experience she had in the mental institute was enough to wide her up for the long journey.

26 March 2011

DADDY's BIRTHDAY!

oh gosh. i can't remember what the heck i did today.

but i bet it was family day. HAHAHA

28 March 2011

Met LY, Yijun and zhengyao for kbox today!

HEHE

and after that went to have astons for dinner over at city square mall! :D

you shall hear how i get so afraid of astons. hahahha

29 March 2011

met anqi for lunch at ASTONS cos i was so bored at home and she was finding someone to accompany her for lunch :D

and then went off to marina square to spend the last of my vouchers on Lincoln Lawyer with zy!

the exchange of words between the people in the show was awesome. (spoilers ahead)

"Its all about this lawyer (Mick Haller) who is really good at defending his clients. His office is at the back of his chauffeured Lincoln car. He got his break with this friend of his who claimed the help of his trustworthy friend who searches for information about the case from various sources. After obtaining the case file from the police through his friend, Mick notices an uncanny resemblance between this and a case that he had fought for years back. He seeks his friend's help again, and when his friend had some leads to what he was looking for, he receives a call; his friend died. The bullet came from a gun that he had kept at home, an collectors' item, and he was suspected for murder. While his client continued insisting on his innocence, Mike grew increasingly suspicious of him. His client always left a loophole which Mike Haller would uncover after each investigation. He started to search for the truth himself to avenge his friend and to win the case for his client. He eventually finds out the truth, but still wins the case for his client, as he would professionally. The twist comes when his client is arrested again just after the case, for another offence. When he realizes that the client was released due to lack of evidence to charge him, Mike goes on a rush against time to protect his wife and daughter. The story eventually ended with a twist that the actual murderer of his friend was his client's mother."

great film, and i love how it boggles my mind somehow. More than anything else, i get the thinking from this movie that we should always stay clear to our conscience.

okay and then we started wasting time away till i was supposed to meet the girls to celebrate wenyi's bday! :D (belated haha) and guess what we had!

YES RIGHT.

ASTONS.

omg. by now i was so afriad of eating chicken that i ordered fish hahahaha.

and wenyi's bday cake was A BUNCH OF BANANAS WTH HAHAHHA

SO DUPER FUNNY.

31 March 2011

Met Has for breakfast at hougang mall! :D

Super random, and then we sat over there at Macs complaining and complaining about life and everything.

AND SHE FINALLY FOUND A JOB ahahhaha

homed to dk help mom do what.

hehhh

*there'll be an edit on this post. i still have another movie review to do! :D*

#248

i'm actually lazy to get my scheduler from my grandma to find out what i did over the past few days/weeks/month.

and so i shall just blog randomly because i really need to blog or i will really get mad.

not that i would explain why i am going mad. (:

i notice i love to talk about life whenever i am not feeling very happy.

shall just be random and talk about avril's latest album. when i heard what the hell and read the comments about her at youtube i was very sad. because she is the first female singer that i ever liked listening to. i'm never a listen to rock person but i just like avril's songs. and so, imagine my happiness when i heard her new album. (: it's just as awesome. and somehow, idk if its me, i feel her songs mellowed already, and you can sort of see her growing up with her albums? okay maybe its just me. seriously, her album is awesome. i love everybody hurts, i love you, stop standing there, wish you were here, (im like listing out the whole album alrd) haha

another random thought. i should start packing my table because it's messy and i cant even find my EZ link card. i'm so lazy lately i really just wanna sleep the whole day away. i used to think that sleeping is a waste of time but now i am sleeping almost the whole day. ):

oh i've finally learnt cycling. im so happy i've never been so happy my life. i wish i could stay by the beach in future so i will get to smell the air of the sea every single day when i wake up. no i'm not crazy. somehow i just love this very serene feeling.

oh and i would be going to sri lanka some where in june/july? shall go there to 'find' myself. stay in the mountains and meditate my whole week or two away there. honestly i cant wait. yeah i'm going on again with that finding myself part. i am always finding myself. i always say i want to find myself but i get lost again and again. im really going to isolate myself in the mountains this time and see what i get from it.

oh and i've really got to start preparing for my FTT. because i'm gonna have no time.

AND I SHOULD START CONTINUING ON MY TW TRIP PLANNING. because time is running out and i am still on day 4? ):

okay i shall come back to blog after all these! :D :D

MY MOTIVATION!