All of us are racing against time. We are always chasing after what we want most within the shortest time frame. Thing is, are what we are chasing for forever worth our efforts? At the end of the day, do we sit down, take a reflection and feel accomplished?
Because if what I, for instance, is chasing for is worth everything, why do i feel more tired than accomplished and happy at the end of the day?
Have we all gotten our priorities wrong while fighting after our material wants?
What have all of us been doing to ourselves; fighting for things that would be due for the trash can in a few years down the road? Slaves to material goods.
Phones are the most typical example. when we were just toddlers, a toy telephone that would play out cute sounds at each button pressed could make our day. Then we wanted a phone, any phone; even if there was no color. The fact that it was a REAL phone could make our heads swell in front of our classmates. Slowly we wanted the colored ones, and then the smartphones. We are always chasing after the new models, the better ones, the faster processing ones. From i would die to have a phone, we now adopt the if its not the newest model, and if it lags i dont want it attitude.
I'm no saint. I go for stuffs that satisfy my needs and wants too. Between a chocolate that costs $1.00 and one that costs $2.50, i'm picking the $2.50 one, because i believe in paying for value. if its more expensive it has to be better. But i guess i draw the line somewhere. i wont pay 2000000 for a bag if i can get it for 20. COMEON NO ONE WOULD. no one in the right state of mind would anyway, unless he/she is a huge fan of the 2000000 bucks bag.
but at the end of the day, i wonder, for what are we doing all these for?
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
#259
I've been getting quite a lot of questions about my grandma's hospitalization.
And the story just gets shorter and shorter with each person's asking.
From telling the whole story in detail, i now just say this: my grandma had a stroke.
Pretty much would summarize the whole situation succinctly.
But a stroke can be major.
For someone like grandma who loves moving around on her own so much, who can't bear to see anyone putting in extra efforts for her, she must be very burdened with all these thoughts while lying there unconscious.
Nobody wanted this to happen, and it just really is a great misfortune that we were away on a holiday when she had a stroke on Thursday. If we weren't away on a holiday she would be able to get professional help on the same day, instead of Saturday afternoon. The first stroke that struck her was a major one and somehow it had led to hemorrhage in her brain due to a blood vessel that burst. We made it back in time to see her for one last time before she never opened her eyes to look at us and hold our hands when we held hers. The second stroke hit her on a Monday morning. And there she lay, eyes closed, with occasional coughing, sneezing and frowning because of the phlegm. Her fever never fully subsided. With her condition deteriorating every day, it seemed bleak and we were slowly losing hope that she would ever get better. Each time the nurse fed her milk through her nose and did aspiration of seeing if she digested what she was fed earlier, my heart would stop for a minute. "What if she didn't digest what she was fed, what would happen if coffee-colored liquid was aspirated, etc" You see, coffee colored liquid aspiration meant that there was internal bleeding somewhere in her. And this scared me. She couldn't be on most of her medication because her medication thins blood, etc. And thinning blood meant that the blood would flow faster, and if her brain has not stopped bleeding, it would lead to her death if the blood reached some part of her brain. And so, the doctors basically couldn't do anything. I just heard them repeating this sentences a number of times. "We just want to make her as comfortable as possible, and if anything happens, we wouldn't perform any CPR on her or use the electricity (okay idk what term they use but its the CPR thingy) to shock her awake." To me, it just meant that if my grandma died, they will just come over and pronounce the time that she died.
Suddenly, the nurses took her off the critical condition list 2 days ago. I can never figure out on what grounds they lifted her off. Maybe it was because she passed the initial critical stage of one week without another stroke occurring, but her fever is still there. And the worst thing is, when the fever comes, they give her panadol. Then it subsides, and nothing is done. It comes back and they give her panadol again.
They keep wanting to change her ward because grandma is considered to be contagious due to certain germs or bacteria that is living under her skin. "i don't know how she got it, but somehow she got it." And so, they first shifted her to this air-conditioned ward - "Which is pretty much stupid. I think the invention of an air-con in the hospital ward is stupid itself, not to mention placing patients who are contagious in the same ward together. Doesn't this mean that the germs would be spreading around in that room itself and mutating with each other thus leading to the birth of even more vicious germs? And more complications would occur, and more transferring of wards would thus be the result." And so, we didn't agree to it, but it wasn't due to this reason, grandma is very afraid of the cold. she cannot stand air-con. So grandma got shifted back to her previous ward but a different bed. And they want to change her again because they say they now have a non-aircon bed and she is still contagious.
"The change is still not done yet because my dad refuses to allow that, due to them not getting back to him on certain questions he raised." - but i bet they would try to find all ways and means to move my grandma!
And the story just gets shorter and shorter with each person's asking.
From telling the whole story in detail, i now just say this: my grandma had a stroke.
Pretty much would summarize the whole situation succinctly.
But a stroke can be major.
For someone like grandma who loves moving around on her own so much, who can't bear to see anyone putting in extra efforts for her, she must be very burdened with all these thoughts while lying there unconscious.
Nobody wanted this to happen, and it just really is a great misfortune that we were away on a holiday when she had a stroke on Thursday. If we weren't away on a holiday she would be able to get professional help on the same day, instead of Saturday afternoon. The first stroke that struck her was a major one and somehow it had led to hemorrhage in her brain due to a blood vessel that burst. We made it back in time to see her for one last time before she never opened her eyes to look at us and hold our hands when we held hers. The second stroke hit her on a Monday morning. And there she lay, eyes closed, with occasional coughing, sneezing and frowning because of the phlegm. Her fever never fully subsided. With her condition deteriorating every day, it seemed bleak and we were slowly losing hope that she would ever get better. Each time the nurse fed her milk through her nose and did aspiration of seeing if she digested what she was fed earlier, my heart would stop for a minute. "What if she didn't digest what she was fed, what would happen if coffee-colored liquid was aspirated, etc" You see, coffee colored liquid aspiration meant that there was internal bleeding somewhere in her. And this scared me. She couldn't be on most of her medication because her medication thins blood, etc. And thinning blood meant that the blood would flow faster, and if her brain has not stopped bleeding, it would lead to her death if the blood reached some part of her brain. And so, the doctors basically couldn't do anything. I just heard them repeating this sentences a number of times. "We just want to make her as comfortable as possible, and if anything happens, we wouldn't perform any CPR on her or use the electricity (okay idk what term they use but its the CPR thingy) to shock her awake." To me, it just meant that if my grandma died, they will just come over and pronounce the time that she died.
Suddenly, the nurses took her off the critical condition list 2 days ago. I can never figure out on what grounds they lifted her off. Maybe it was because she passed the initial critical stage of one week without another stroke occurring, but her fever is still there. And the worst thing is, when the fever comes, they give her panadol. Then it subsides, and nothing is done. It comes back and they give her panadol again.
They keep wanting to change her ward because grandma is considered to be contagious due to certain germs or bacteria that is living under her skin. "i don't know how she got it, but somehow she got it." And so, they first shifted her to this air-conditioned ward - "Which is pretty much stupid. I think the invention of an air-con in the hospital ward is stupid itself, not to mention placing patients who are contagious in the same ward together. Doesn't this mean that the germs would be spreading around in that room itself and mutating with each other thus leading to the birth of even more vicious germs? And more complications would occur, and more transferring of wards would thus be the result." And so, we didn't agree to it, but it wasn't due to this reason, grandma is very afraid of the cold. she cannot stand air-con. So grandma got shifted back to her previous ward but a different bed. And they want to change her again because they say they now have a non-aircon bed and she is still contagious.
"The change is still not done yet because my dad refuses to allow that, due to them not getting back to him on certain questions he raised." - but i bet they would try to find all ways and means to move my grandma!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
coming clean.
i dare to say that all of us make mistakes. Some mistakes can be forgiven at a blink of an eye, others require more effort. Sometimes, the amount of effort required drains the hell out of you, and you get lethargic. It can get to a point that you no longer want to forgive. You just want to swipe everything off and be angry with the whole world.
And then i remember how i (somehow) coincidentally come across the weirdest things that tell me not to hate but love instead.
Like when i was in hongkong, there were like quite a few bowls for us to pick those leaves out from. i picked out something related to hatred and patience, etc. okay i cant really remember what was written anymore. i have the brain cells of a gold fish i think. my brain cells are probably mutated. alright that's not the point anyway. and back to my main point, basically it was telling me that hatred wouldnt do me any good, i should be more patient, or smth like that.
and then i kept thinking. am i not patient enough? how patient do i have to be?
one question repeated in my mind - "why was everything so unfair?"
or the daily horoscope by comitic which i read at the end of each day. how it uncannily seems to relate to how i should forgive people, stop burning my candle at both sides, learn how to trust, yada yada. (ALL ON DAYS WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT)
but i chose this path back then. i have no one to blame just because someone is in blissful state of not being in the know and all. and if time went back and i had the choice to change my mind, i would still do what i did despite knowing how much hurt and suffering i would have to go through alone.
yes i know it's damn difficult and darn hard to enter into my life. But everyone was once given a fair chance to walk in. Just know now that i usually won't let you into layer 10. most people make it to layer 1 only. that's how much many of you know about me. i'm sorry. i'm sorry that despite how hard some of you try, you are still at most at layer 8 or 9.
because layer 10 is a very different me. layer 10 lets all guards down. layer 10 needs protection. and because i dont know anyone who can protect this vulnerable me, i choose to not let you in on me. i'm a tough nut to crack i know. but i dont see the point of having someone see me cry but know nothing to tell me, nor do i see the point of having someone not knowing what to do when i'm at my worst. thing is, i know i might seem like happy all the time and all but i actually feel empty. i dont think people actually understand me. i think im really complicated and i think that although i can read most people like a book, no one ever knows how i feel. "or maybe they do but they dont voice it out." - actually i think u should voice it out to me, so that i would know, cos i just keep feeling im not worth anyone to remotely try to understand.
i chase people away alot when i'm at my weakest. because other than using this way, i don't know how to shift my attention away from my hurt. i don't go after people telling them to comfort me or whatsoever because i dont know how. i know how to give people advice, and i know what to say when they need to hear certain things, but sometimes i wish a mirrored me would talk to me so that i knew what to do.
deep down i know i wont be happy for doing things the way that im doing it now, but i just want to reduce any further disappointments alright? i know im selfish for doing such a thing, for hurting people while i burn my bridges, but i am really scared. yes i know, that inner 10th layer is actually some super vulnerable and insecure girl. there, i said it.
how does me saying what kind of person i actually am help? okay i should add on more negative traits right. to show that im actually not as perfect as i portray myself to be. i just like my picture to be perfect. i cant stand a taint. but for all these to take place, i try hard. i fight hard. harder than anyone else can ever imagine. i push myself to the limits and i dont ever want anyone to worry for me because i have this super big ego and pride standing in my way. yes im a prideful person.
but im super tired now. i just want a break.
i have to remove all past labels that i allowed people to place on me. im not that great. take me as a human would you? scold me when i put a strong front. yell at me if you have to, shake me awake. because how can you believe that perfection ever existed? i got caught for a while. i thought it was real.
but perfection is never real. it's just a facade for me to put on to hide behind.
for every action i take, there is a reason to it. i take every single step cautiously, and i articulate only after thinking through again and again. to an extent i feel tired of it. too diplomatic. too rational. too logical. no emotions. no feelings.
if you start to realize, you would know that i use anger to mask a lot of things. i use anger especially when i feel hurt. when i am extremely hurt, i use anger to show i am angry instead. in actual fact, i dont think i was ever angry. i was more hurt than angry. but i dont ever want to see people who care for me cry for me, because i dont know how to comfort you. this is the only way i can think of to prevent any tears. it just adds on to my pain, because its an additional pressure that i feel, and it makes me tired. because i dont like feeling angry.
im sad because through all these, after so much effort i made and how much struggles i go through daily, i dont feel understood. it's like no one actually appreciates what i have been doing. people are still angry at me, people are still venting out on me.
i feel pathetic. i feel trampled upon and i don't like this feeling at all. it's like im not worthy of people to love and care for while everyone else was worth my care and concern.
and i end up choosing to block people off because i dont even know how to explain. it's like i'd rather be alone and be angry with myself than have to answer a call or another what happened over at my phone. because if i had to answer this question, i am pointing it over to the fact that i was born. and i really dont like questioning my existance in this world. it scares me because sometimes the answers arent what anyone would like to hear or is prepared to hear.
these thoughts just flowed as i type. i had no idea all these was going in my head but i refused to acknowledge it.
yes im complicated and darn hard to understand. i wont ask anyone to stay because staying requires a tad too much effort at times. i shock people now and then with my emotional downturns. and the greatest turn off of all is: i might just get worse than this. i don't know.
And then i remember how i (somehow) coincidentally come across the weirdest things that tell me not to hate but love instead.
Like when i was in hongkong, there were like quite a few bowls for us to pick those leaves out from. i picked out something related to hatred and patience, etc. okay i cant really remember what was written anymore. i have the brain cells of a gold fish i think. my brain cells are probably mutated. alright that's not the point anyway. and back to my main point, basically it was telling me that hatred wouldnt do me any good, i should be more patient, or smth like that.
and then i kept thinking. am i not patient enough? how patient do i have to be?
one question repeated in my mind - "why was everything so unfair?"
or the daily horoscope by comitic which i read at the end of each day. how it uncannily seems to relate to how i should forgive people, stop burning my candle at both sides, learn how to trust, yada yada. (ALL ON DAYS WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT)
but i chose this path back then. i have no one to blame just because someone is in blissful state of not being in the know and all. and if time went back and i had the choice to change my mind, i would still do what i did despite knowing how much hurt and suffering i would have to go through alone.
yes i know it's damn difficult and darn hard to enter into my life. But everyone was once given a fair chance to walk in. Just know now that i usually won't let you into layer 10. most people make it to layer 1 only. that's how much many of you know about me. i'm sorry. i'm sorry that despite how hard some of you try, you are still at most at layer 8 or 9.
because layer 10 is a very different me. layer 10 lets all guards down. layer 10 needs protection. and because i dont know anyone who can protect this vulnerable me, i choose to not let you in on me. i'm a tough nut to crack i know. but i dont see the point of having someone see me cry but know nothing to tell me, nor do i see the point of having someone not knowing what to do when i'm at my worst. thing is, i know i might seem like happy all the time and all but i actually feel empty. i dont think people actually understand me. i think im really complicated and i think that although i can read most people like a book, no one ever knows how i feel. "or maybe they do but they dont voice it out." - actually i think u should voice it out to me, so that i would know, cos i just keep feeling im not worth anyone to remotely try to understand.
i chase people away alot when i'm at my weakest. because other than using this way, i don't know how to shift my attention away from my hurt. i don't go after people telling them to comfort me or whatsoever because i dont know how. i know how to give people advice, and i know what to say when they need to hear certain things, but sometimes i wish a mirrored me would talk to me so that i knew what to do.
deep down i know i wont be happy for doing things the way that im doing it now, but i just want to reduce any further disappointments alright? i know im selfish for doing such a thing, for hurting people while i burn my bridges, but i am really scared. yes i know, that inner 10th layer is actually some super vulnerable and insecure girl. there, i said it.
how does me saying what kind of person i actually am help? okay i should add on more negative traits right. to show that im actually not as perfect as i portray myself to be. i just like my picture to be perfect. i cant stand a taint. but for all these to take place, i try hard. i fight hard. harder than anyone else can ever imagine. i push myself to the limits and i dont ever want anyone to worry for me because i have this super big ego and pride standing in my way. yes im a prideful person.
but im super tired now. i just want a break.
i have to remove all past labels that i allowed people to place on me. im not that great. take me as a human would you? scold me when i put a strong front. yell at me if you have to, shake me awake. because how can you believe that perfection ever existed? i got caught for a while. i thought it was real.
but perfection is never real. it's just a facade for me to put on to hide behind.
for every action i take, there is a reason to it. i take every single step cautiously, and i articulate only after thinking through again and again. to an extent i feel tired of it. too diplomatic. too rational. too logical. no emotions. no feelings.
if you start to realize, you would know that i use anger to mask a lot of things. i use anger especially when i feel hurt. when i am extremely hurt, i use anger to show i am angry instead. in actual fact, i dont think i was ever angry. i was more hurt than angry. but i dont ever want to see people who care for me cry for me, because i dont know how to comfort you. this is the only way i can think of to prevent any tears. it just adds on to my pain, because its an additional pressure that i feel, and it makes me tired. because i dont like feeling angry.
im sad because through all these, after so much effort i made and how much struggles i go through daily, i dont feel understood. it's like no one actually appreciates what i have been doing. people are still angry at me, people are still venting out on me.
i feel pathetic. i feel trampled upon and i don't like this feeling at all. it's like im not worthy of people to love and care for while everyone else was worth my care and concern.
and i end up choosing to block people off because i dont even know how to explain. it's like i'd rather be alone and be angry with myself than have to answer a call or another what happened over at my phone. because if i had to answer this question, i am pointing it over to the fact that i was born. and i really dont like questioning my existance in this world. it scares me because sometimes the answers arent what anyone would like to hear or is prepared to hear.
these thoughts just flowed as i type. i had no idea all these was going in my head but i refused to acknowledge it.
yes im complicated and darn hard to understand. i wont ask anyone to stay because staying requires a tad too much effort at times. i shock people now and then with my emotional downturns. and the greatest turn off of all is: i might just get worse than this. i don't know.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
#258
blogger changed their interface! it seems so different all of the sudden.
life has been really lacking of updates cos my scheduler had been destroyed by my bubble tea which i bought for my instructor awhile back.
"yeah i know excuses"
but fact what!
and how it happened...
cos this instructor is always asking me for bubble tea but the only one near my house that is good is CUP WALKER!
so i bought that for him once, and after that all my lessons are filled with me buying bubble tea for him... whenever he is the instructor.
i feel so bad towards my second instructor man. >.<
and so it happened this one fateful afternoon the guy in the bubble tea shop didnt seal the damn bubble tea properly.
AND DUMB ME DIDNT KNOW.
and soooooo.
yeap it leaked when i put it in my bag, thus damaging everything.
*at this point i thank everything and anything because my ipod wasnt damaged.*
i wouldnt be able to buy it even if i were a billionaire now. its not in production anymore.
OKAY I KNOW. exaggeration right? fineeeeeeeeeee.
but my point is i super love it so i would be sad if it died on me right!
and my poor scheduler then rest in peace with eau de bubble tea fragrance...
alright and i cant remember things that happened daily haha.
basically i just came back from a week at hk, shenzhen, and macau!
damn me cos i didnt get to try my bird nest egg tart when that was what i was for.
actually nothing that i wanted to do in my to-do list was done.
sigh....
but at least i have been to hk and shenzhen and macau! (:
and this pattern of mine always comes one week before my birthday every year. with each year it gets worse. i dont want to feel disappointed anymore so now i rather i chased everyone away from the start so i wont get disappointed cos basically i asked for it this time. im sorry but i dont want to raise my hopes up and fall even harder this time.
life has been really lacking of updates cos my scheduler had been destroyed by my bubble tea which i bought for my instructor awhile back.
"yeah i know excuses"
but fact what!
and how it happened...
cos this instructor is always asking me for bubble tea but the only one near my house that is good is CUP WALKER!
so i bought that for him once, and after that all my lessons are filled with me buying bubble tea for him... whenever he is the instructor.
i feel so bad towards my second instructor man. >.<
and so it happened this one fateful afternoon the guy in the bubble tea shop didnt seal the damn bubble tea properly.
AND DUMB ME DIDNT KNOW.
and soooooo.
yeap it leaked when i put it in my bag, thus damaging everything.
*at this point i thank everything and anything because my ipod wasnt damaged.*
i wouldnt be able to buy it even if i were a billionaire now. its not in production anymore.
OKAY I KNOW. exaggeration right? fineeeeeeeeeee.
but my point is i super love it so i would be sad if it died on me right!
and my poor scheduler then rest in peace with eau de bubble tea fragrance...
alright and i cant remember things that happened daily haha.
basically i just came back from a week at hk, shenzhen, and macau!
damn me cos i didnt get to try my bird nest egg tart when that was what i was for.
actually nothing that i wanted to do in my to-do list was done.
sigh....
but at least i have been to hk and shenzhen and macau! (:
and this pattern of mine always comes one week before my birthday every year. with each year it gets worse. i dont want to feel disappointed anymore so now i rather i chased everyone away from the start so i wont get disappointed cos basically i asked for it this time. im sorry but i dont want to raise my hopes up and fall even harder this time.
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