i dare to say that all of us make mistakes. Some mistakes can be forgiven at a blink of an eye, others require more effort. Sometimes, the amount of effort required drains the hell out of you, and you get lethargic. It can get to a point that you no longer want to forgive. You just want to swipe everything off and be angry with the whole world.
And then i remember how i (somehow) coincidentally come across the weirdest things that tell me not to hate but love instead.
Like when i was in hongkong, there were like quite a few bowls for us to pick those leaves out from. i picked out something related to hatred and patience, etc. okay i cant really remember what was written anymore. i have the brain cells of a gold fish i think. my brain cells are probably mutated. alright that's not the point anyway. and back to my main point, basically it was telling me that hatred wouldnt do me any good, i should be more patient, or smth like that.
and then i kept thinking. am i not patient enough? how patient do i have to be?
one question repeated in my mind - "why was everything so unfair?"
or the daily horoscope by comitic which i read at the end of each day. how it uncannily seems to relate to how i should forgive people, stop burning my candle at both sides, learn how to trust, yada yada. (ALL ON DAYS WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT)
but i chose this path back then. i have no one to blame just because someone is in blissful state of not being in the know and all. and if time went back and i had the choice to change my mind, i would still do what i did despite knowing how much hurt and suffering i would have to go through alone.
yes i know it's damn difficult and darn hard to enter into my life. But everyone was once given a fair chance to walk in. Just know now that i usually won't let you into layer 10. most people make it to layer 1 only. that's how much many of you know about me. i'm sorry. i'm sorry that despite how hard some of you try, you are still at most at layer 8 or 9.
because layer 10 is a very different me. layer 10 lets all guards down. layer 10 needs protection. and because i dont know anyone who can protect this vulnerable me, i choose to not let you in on me. i'm a tough nut to crack i know. but i dont see the point of having someone see me cry but know nothing to tell me, nor do i see the point of having someone not knowing what to do when i'm at my worst. thing is, i know i might seem like happy all the time and all but i actually feel empty. i dont think people actually understand me. i think im really complicated and i think that although i can read most people like a book, no one ever knows how i feel. "or maybe they do but they dont voice it out." - actually i think u should voice it out to me, so that i would know, cos i just keep feeling im not worth anyone to remotely try to understand.
i chase people away alot when i'm at my weakest. because other than using this way, i don't know how to shift my attention away from my hurt. i don't go after people telling them to comfort me or whatsoever because i dont know how. i know how to give people advice, and i know what to say when they need to hear certain things, but sometimes i wish a mirrored me would talk to me so that i knew what to do.
deep down i know i wont be happy for doing things the way that im doing it now, but i just want to reduce any further disappointments alright? i know im selfish for doing such a thing, for hurting people while i burn my bridges, but i am really scared. yes i know, that inner 10th layer is actually some super vulnerable and insecure girl. there, i said it.
how does me saying what kind of person i actually am help? okay i should add on more negative traits right. to show that im actually not as perfect as i portray myself to be. i just like my picture to be perfect. i cant stand a taint. but for all these to take place, i try hard. i fight hard. harder than anyone else can ever imagine. i push myself to the limits and i dont ever want anyone to worry for me because i have this super big ego and pride standing in my way. yes im a prideful person.
but im super tired now. i just want a break.
i have to remove all past labels that i allowed people to place on me. im not that great. take me as a human would you? scold me when i put a strong front. yell at me if you have to, shake me awake. because how can you believe that perfection ever existed? i got caught for a while. i thought it was real.
but perfection is never real. it's just a facade for me to put on to hide behind.
for every action i take, there is a reason to it. i take every single step cautiously, and i articulate only after thinking through again and again. to an extent i feel tired of it. too diplomatic. too rational. too logical. no emotions. no feelings.
if you start to realize, you would know that i use anger to mask a lot of things. i use anger especially when i feel hurt. when i am extremely hurt, i use anger to show i am angry instead. in actual fact, i dont think i was ever angry. i was more hurt than angry. but i dont ever want to see people who care for me cry for me, because i dont know how to comfort you. this is the only way i can think of to prevent any tears. it just adds on to my pain, because its an additional pressure that i feel, and it makes me tired. because i dont like feeling angry.
im sad because through all these, after so much effort i made and how much struggles i go through daily, i dont feel understood. it's like no one actually appreciates what i have been doing. people are still angry at me, people are still venting out on me.
i feel pathetic. i feel trampled upon and i don't like this feeling at all. it's like im not worthy of people to love and care for while everyone else was worth my care and concern.
and i end up choosing to block people off because i dont even know how to explain. it's like i'd rather be alone and be angry with myself than have to answer a call or another what happened over at my phone. because if i had to answer this question, i am pointing it over to the fact that i was born. and i really dont like questioning my existance in this world. it scares me because sometimes the answers arent what anyone would like to hear or is prepared to hear.
these thoughts just flowed as i type. i had no idea all these was going in my head but i refused to acknowledge it.
yes im complicated and darn hard to understand. i wont ask anyone to stay because staying requires a tad too much effort at times. i shock people now and then with my emotional downturns. and the greatest turn off of all is: i might just get worse than this. i don't know.
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