go on, tell me im not superwoman but act as if i am. because doing the opposite of what you say is what you are good at.

#272

its CNY again!!!
and we aren't celebrating again....
ah well, we'll just have fun eating.

after this hectic week, i am not really looking forward to my less hectic but still hectic week. i'm not celebrating CNY but why do i feel so tired huh.
and i think i have this getting old syndrome again. cos i feel so much older.
i would like to think its the lack of sleep tyvm.

AND I DIDNT TAKE PHOTOS OF THE PRESENTS I MADE FOR MY FRIENDS ):
god i am so very sad.
i felt so in my own world doing it. it was kinda tiring but i still enjoyed making it.
so thankful for those who came.
when they were gonna leave, i suddenly felt so sad. like i was going to cry. really going to miss this whole bunch of friends when i am over in aussie. looking back, i really dont know how i managed to rush out the presents. cos i could only do it at night till 4AM cos that's my max. have to wake up at 8.
and my progress was really slow.
"guess i work on pressure"
3 books for the haslinda, huda and joyce
a recipe book for zhengyao
7 books for ashley, LY, michelle, sweemun, wenyi, yijun, yoketeng
i wont forget the binding of the books, finding the background for each person, the physical torture of taking the pin and poking 4 holes to get the accurate positioning of the notebook cover so that the notebook will look like it wasn't handmade, the cutting of the holes out individually thereafter, the cutting of paper, the typing of recipes, the trial and errors of the sizing, the headache from the designing, the careful cutting of the cardboard so i will be able to fold the paper without breaking it into 2. funny as it is, it is what i will miss doing. i can't remember the last time i actually did something using my own hands for my friends.

on to another part of me.
i can't face the fact that i am actually turning 21 this year. nothing about me feels 21. i'm still the same. nothing much seemed to change. well technically alot of things happened and changes were made along the way, but i still feel me. that same easily hurt me. soon i'll be out of this sheltered life and out to face the world on my own. I never really felt like i had someone there for me so i don't really know how it would feel like when reality sets in. its coming though, pretty soon. ):

#271

been long since i actually managed to sit down and really start typing my thoughts.
i can't believe that i am really taking off in less than a month.
it still feels like a dream to me.
i still keep feeling that something will happen and i won't be able to make it there.
i have tons of random thoughts going through my head (negative ones in fact)
its like a mixture of trepidation and hope.
and these are two very ironic emotions.

i still have so much preparation work not done.
i am STILL stuck with the IDK WHAT TO PACK thing.
i still have the presents not done yet. well i started on it but progress is so slow i feel like killing myself.
i finally booked the bbq pit after a week -.- (never in my life have i gone through so many people and calls and trips to book a pit.)

i die a little inside when someone from my closer groups tells me they are coming only to send me a msg telling me they aren't coming cos smth cropped up in the end.
but i told myself the upside is "one lesser present to make".
i think it's really mean and i might hate myself for that, but if they can't come for whatever logical reasons, my hands can't work for whatever illogical reasons.
fine, i'm disappointed and upset and angry and i'm throwing a tantrum.
LET ME THROW THE TANTRUM THOUGH.

mom had a minor stroke a week back. and then she keeps having emotional outbursts throughout the week till i am truly going crazy. she comments on every single thing that i do, well almost that is. she starts droning the moment i am awake and seriously i can't stand people talking to me when i am half awake because i will get a really throbbing headache and i will snap at people.

and i am not working this week. i feel so sian because that means i wont see MBIM. ahh the only little happiness i derive out of my boring life. but then again i might see mbim nearby since we stay so near. -.- but im pretty much cooped up at home this week. but i will die if i have to stay cooped up at home. SO I WILL FIND TIME TO STEP OUT. (to get things done of course. hahahaha)

i know i am starting to be a little illogical.

PS i think Say you like me by We The Kings very nice hahahaha

Lately i keep getting nightmares.
and the worse part of the nightmares is that i can't get out of the nightmares.
sucks because its like i know im dreaming but i continue in the dream and can't snap out of it.
it is so irritating cos i dream of the things that scare me.
like a gigantic cockroach running after me playing laser tag with me. -.-
i have never played laser tag my whole life btw.
imagination is so scary.

aiyoooo, my dog starting to stink again. :(

and i haven't started packing much. sucks. idk what the hell do i pack and what to do. sighssss.

i wonder if i will ever be normal. what does normal even mean?

#270

ITS 2012!!
i should be posting those special things that i achieved in 2011 but honestly, i can hardly recall...
of course the most major thing that happened in my life in 2011 is the fact that i got my driving license.
HAH GOT EVERYONE THERE RIGHT?
kept it a secret for about half a year.
i can't imagine how on earth i passed. how on earth i actually got into the car for the first time is another mystery to me. the greatest mystery of all: how i continued on. This is coming from me, the one who came up with my very own theory of not trying for a license: panic attack when i hear a horn resulting in me accelerating and banging into the car in front of me. but driving is really fun. the learning is fun.

spent Christmas countdown with CJ people and a lot of people idk. Omo they were crazy. but i was filled with quite a lot of emotions, because one year ago, 25 December was the day my grandpa was cremated. Putting it this way, I still look back and miss him. I miss how he asked me how much I have saved up from working and if he could borrow money from me if he needed it, and how he laughed when I told him yes. I miss his laughter. I miss how he held onto my hand when we went out for family dinners. I miss walking slowly with him to the dinner table, sitting beside him or grandma so that i could pass them food when it came. I miss a lot of things, but i miss his laughter the most, because that was something that he seldom showed. And i'm sorry that everything could not end well, I'm sorry that he hurt so much during his dying days. I think i should stop before i start a waterfall.

Sometimes the promises we made just can't seem to be kept.

countdown with madgirls91 at orchard. we were more afraid of the sprays than anything else and we ended back at centrepoint macdonalds straight after the countdown. homed and i basically spent my new year at home sleeping for a good part of the day. and i haven't been watching running man for quite a few weeks alrd. didn't even download. i am so annoyed!
HAVE TO STOP WORKING AHHHHH.

oh and i really realize this thing about me: the people i start to notice are actually around me, i just never seen them before because i walked with my eyes on the ground. at least EC, MWS and MBIM was the case. hah me and my abbreviations.

and i also notice i hate eye contact with people that i'm not familiar with. shucks i dont know when did this start but i get very afraid of eye contact when i'm not shou, and then when people im not shou with talk to me i feel so rude cos i dont look into their eyes. its like i am afraid they will find out something if i look them in the eye. shit myself man, i cannot change my mindset and i dont want to appear rude!

please let me be in peace at least till i leave for Melbourne in about a month.
my heart pounded so much when i was asking about it all.
how much was known and how should i go about revealing it all?
would i eventually be the one who snaps that thread that we are treading on so carefully?
how much more hurt would i be able to hold on to?
what about damage control? what if something happens and i am not able to bring circumstances around? what ifs are the bane of my life.
it just pains me when we have came to this state, just because we don't care enough to make it all better. 

and i am openly declaring i love robinsons for one reason. (:

yeah i'm a sucker who believes in fate. 

i'm not talking about the little coincidence here though. HAHA