How do you know if he is the one?

I had two friends ask me this question in 2 days.

While I didn't think so much about it the first time I was asked this question, I started to wonder when I got the question the second time.

And my answer is: I would never know. I don't have a crystal ball, and I don't have a magical animal that can calculate it out for me.

But there would be one thing that I know, and that is, if I were to stay committed to the relationship and we both do all we can to make it work, then it would work. If it doesn't work out in the end, then, he isn't the one. Even so, I would have no regrets, because I tried my best.

You need two to make a relationship work.

And while there are some things that can actually make it easier for you to try, there are also things that can make you feel like giving up. And it is exactly the things that make you feel like giving up that strengthen your relationship most. You don't have to argue over every little thing, but it is almost impossible to know someone better without occasional fights. As bad as this sounds, the worst character of a person comes out during this time, so if you can settle an argument in a way where both of you are comfortable with, I think that's something good. Mel and I don't exactly argue a lot, and when we do, we usually only 'argue' after a while, because I tend to need the cool-down period. I refuse to let emotions take over completely when I am feeling upset about something, because I feel that this is the time when most hurtful things can be said. Different people can settle it differently, but I find that taking a step back is beneficial. If you can't even settle differences without hurting yourself or the other, then I really think something is wrong in the relationship, and if nothing is done to change that, then it is probably just the start of the end.

I see a relationship progress in a certain way. It is a gradual process whereby it isn't so much about you, but it is about him/her. I don't call it self sacrifice, and I wouldn't try to balance it out in an equation either. I think people don't see from the perspective that you should put your other half first in whatever decisions you make (I'm talking about the more stable relationships). It's about making the other happy. I mean, why would you want to be in a relationship and be anything other than nice to the other party? It doesn't really make sense to me. It's a cycle you know. A treat B nice, B is happy, B then treats A nice, A is happy (and it goes on and on). Sometimes it's really hard to be nice though, especially when you quarreled, or you just had a bad day at work. Communication comes in playing an important role here. I really don't see how hard it is to say that "I am tired from XXX, let me take a breather for a while to sort my thoughts out" when you feel that way. Firstly, other half gets the message and takes a step back. Secondly, other half would be more understanding towards any irrational behaviour. Thirdly, you give an opportunity for your other half to share your problems with you. I could go on and on about communication because I think people are just not open enough with their communication. Well, either that or they communicate not-so-nice things to one another.

I also have this theory about the different phases of a relationship, where transition from 1st to 2nd is probably the most problematic transition.
The different phases of a relationship
They call the start of the relationship the honeymoon phase for a reason. I don't actually know who came out with this theory, but i figured its because you are like honey at first, and the other party would do anything for honey at this stage, including getting the moon for you. After this stage ends, and you get more comfortable with each other, honey isn't considered that hard to get anymore. And so, people start slacking off. Well, life gets in the way sometimes too. We have jobs, school, friends, family - it really isn't easy finding a balance.
Then comes the next phase. This is mostly the phase that makes or breaks a relationship. It is easy to slack off, and while some partners are okay with it, others are confused over what caused the change. To add on, things start getting more real as the couple heads towards a more stable relationship. It's not just about going on dates anymore. There are errands to run, there are each other's family to meet now and then, and many more things that once were left on the back-burner coming out front, demanding for attention. I mean, you can push these things back to a certain point in time only, right? In other words, the reality sets in, together with the insecurity when assurance is not enough. People hardly recognise the change during these two stages.

And well, the biggest problem of all - expectations for what the other party would do. It's really common to hear this - "but he/she could do this when we first got together! Does this mean that I am not worth that much of his time now?" It's not about that though, I think it's more about a transition that happened without one party knowing. It is probably a fact that one party had stopped putting in as much effort due to (whatever) reasons s/he has. On the other hand, expectations grow as the relationship progresses as well. Things would be so much easier if we didn't have expectations for one another. We love each other in different ways. It's really important to recognise this. It doesn't mean that your partner loves you less if he/she does not love you the same way you love him/her. But we are human. We compare. We compare our love for them vs. their love for us through actions. And when we see that we are doing more, we are not happy. I think this is the time to remind ourselves to look at that person again and pick out what are the little things that he/she does for us. Chances are, we will find that they do things differently and love in a different way. Well if you really don't see any redeeming factor at all, then I really don't know why you are in the relationship. But I'm just saying...

It's good to have expectations, but it is also important to not let the expectations become the main driver of the relationship. If you feel disappointed about a certain expectation not being met, talk about it. It's most likely due to the different ways you love. It's also important to be contented and well, understanding. The other half failing on expectations isn't the end of the world. I think it is just another outlet for you to realise your differences and how you can work on it together. Relationships are just going on dates or simply looking at each other in the eyes and having everything else disappear. It is a lot of work to keep things going in a relationship. And until we learn that a relationship with another isn't just about me, but about us, we probably won't learn to love another as much as we love ourselves.

You know when you are never happy with what you look like?

I think it's quite obvious from the title what this post is going to be like.

I think I lost count of the number of years that I was dissatisfied with my body.

In my growing years, I think I couldn't be bothered. 

Well, I think I was too preoccupied with my friends in primary school then. 

Then you know how it goes, you go into a secondary school and suddenly you're a nobody and you suddenly forget how to make friends and become super self-conscious. 

At least that happened for me. 

Well, at first I was still not bothered. But throw in puberty and your first crush? Okay, now I am starting to bother. But no, still no action, couldn't get to it. Hated exercising, especially running. And you know this self-denial thing? Yeah, I went through that phase too. "It's not so bad, it's fine. you're in the normal weight range again! You're not fat." Well, eventually I did get fat.

And really, the thing about getting fatter and being a nice person, is that people don't exactly make fun of you. Well, they might talk behind your back, but what you wouldn't know wouldn't kill you... No one really openly calls you fat when you are nice cos maybe they feel mean themselves if they make fun of you. Hey, I don't really know the rationale. 

But I was putting on so much weight over the years that when I look back now, I seriously wonder what happened. I probably hit the heaviest when I was in Poly. Well, no more PE to keep you from gaining too much weight, no self-discipline to go exercise on your own. I was still in self-denial then man. Okay maybe not self-denial. I think it was more like, I can't give a damn already. 

And then I was planning an event as part of my module. And you know how these events go, mandatory group shots. I looked at the photos after the event and I was like "My goodness, seriously?" I felt horrible. I think I looked terrible. And I'm not going to hide this picture. I think this picture should forever serve as a reminder to take good care of my body and never let it get to this stage ever again. 

And no, I don't exactly remember when I really started losing weight, but I did remember changing my lifestyle when I went to Shanghai for a 6 weeks school program/holiday. Seriously, exercising with a friend is more fun. I started to like running. Then I met with a few issues and I started going running alone. I loved it more. Blasting fast paced songs as time went by, running faster and longer, I started loving running. 

I was aware I lost some weight by the time I returned from the program. My clothes were more loose, and really, it felt good. And the change was then. I would go for runs with my friends in school. In year 3, I went for PFM and made it my goal to get that silver for NAPFA so that I would get the school jacket. Well, I did get my jacket in the end. Haha!

Here's the interesting part. I started working part time at this place and this group of colleagues would always make fun of me and joke around calling me xiao fei, etc. It was really really annoying and hurting to my self-esteem. But I brushed them away and pretended to ignore their mean behaviour. 

And then I went to Melbourne. Honestly, best chance to change my lifestyle and live for myself. It was quite suffocating back at home because I felt forever burdened by a lot of responsibilities within the family. I lost a lot of weight. In fact, I think over the course of a year, I lost almost 10 kilos. I kinda became a little obsessed with exercising. I felt uneasy if I missed a gym or a swimming session. I wasn't even going with a friend. I was going on my own. And I started becoming concerned about my over-enthusiastic behaviour towards exercise. I actually went to read about it and realised that people could indeed get addicted to exercising. Well, I don't know about others, but I really think this was upsetting balance and I didn't like it. I forced myself to stop thinking so much about exercising and re-evaluated how I was planning my life. Basically, I went off balance once again.

Today, my weight still fluctuates, but when I don't exercise, I don't beat myself up for it but I don't let myself stay inactive for too long either. Most important lesson of all, if I am unhappy with how I look, I do something about it now. Cos waiting for something to change is just not going to cut it. Not happy arms not toned enough? Lift weights. Legs not toned enough? More squats please. Tummy coming out? Cardio and abs workout. Eat healthier, cut down on junk food. Feel better about self and happier with life. Be more energetic. 

Change doesn't happen with whining. The first step is always the hardest. 

6-day countdown

It is finally coming to the end of the one month!!

Jillian Michaels wasn't kidding when she said she wanted the person doing the workout to feel like he/she was going to die.

Level one was pretty easy. Level 2 was doable since i have done it before. But oh my goodness, i really wanted to die at level 3. But i insist on completing the proper 30 days hahaha.

It's a personal challenge.

On a side note, I'm so glad i finished today's one already.

Its just 6 more days. I can do this.

Healthy living in Singapore

It's so darn difficult when you have to eat out. It's not that bad when you just buy and eat the food. But then you get these information about what these hawker foods that you always eat contain. And after you scroll through all the information, you end up feeling that the only thing safe to eat is duck rice without the skin. The one thing that came to my mind when I saw it - I hope this includes the sauce. Almost every thing else there is either coded orange or red.

And if you were anything like me, you would start walking through a big hawker centre like Kovan Hougang market and food centre and find nothing that you would like to eat. I think I am a little extreme though. Plus, I have been cooking my own meals (for most days) for two years plus since I went overseas to study. Whenever I see the amount of oil go into the food, I actually get a little scared. I really don't know why. I lost count of the number of times I go to the market with mom to buy food for the rest of the family and come home with either nothing for myself or popiah from Qi Ji, or a waffle from Prima Deli. I can't resist pandan flavored food, and these two options aren't that oily when I bite into it. They are, however, pretty light in the sense that they are snackish food, so people hardly get full from it. Heck, sometimes even I don't feel full from it. I have to accompany it with a green tea or coffee or I would still be hungry.

Google cheap and healthy food in Singapore and you will probably only get Lei Cha at the end of it. However, the number of stalls selling this traditional Hakka food is limited in Singapore, and it's an acquired taste. I happen to like the taste of it, but I heard of many who just find it too healthy and don't like it. It is extremely filling, which I think is because of all the vegetables. Downside: the famous one is at Boon lay, which is freaking far for me. I settle for the one in Katong, it's much nearer, haha.

So how? Eat mixed rice every day? Whenever I buy food for my brother, I try to aim for mixed rice because at least I get to choose a vegetable dish. But I know people also can get bored from eating mixed rice every day. I feel a little guilty whenever I keep buying mixed rice but I actually think mixed rice is one of the healthier stalls that one can buy food from! Plus, it's pretty cheap! Of course, I occasionally get the sweet and sour pork which is deep fried, but it's okay, moderation is fine. It is nice too! Haha now I sound so ironic. That being said, I hardly eat mixed rice as well. And I really don't know why. I am such a weirdo.

It is so sad that I can only eat healthy food if I pay more money to eat at a restaurant because now all these health craze and fads are catching up on us in the pricey manner. Juice as substitution of food, healthy sandwiches and wraps, and so many more, but all at a premium price. It's damn depressing when you want to eat healthy but realise you can't really achieve that unless you fork out the extra wad of cash. Btw, I don't believe in the new juicing fad. I think it's a rip off. My opinion though. And I quote this one person talking about a certain company selling 'healthy food'

If it was really that keen on encouraging people to eat healthy, then it wouldn't be serving a foot long cheaper than the 6-inch. 

And so, I ultimately believe that cooking at home is a much healthier option, with more flexibility in what I want to eat, and how I want to eat it. Plus, I would really want to encourage myself to eat healthier right?

I just went a big round to promote cooking at home in SG. I think we don't cook enough in SG. The hawker food's price is too tempting for us to spend extra time in the kitchen to whip something up. But, 30-40 minutes is not that difficult right? Bring down meat from freezer the night before, marinate in the morning before going out. Yes, it takes a bit of planning, but I rather plan my life in a healthy way than not plan and wonder how I died in my sleep.

One day.

One day, I'm going to change how we eat in the family for good.

You should, too.

Sometimes, I think I am mean.

You know this social networking site, FaceBook? 

Well, apparently, I just realised today, that your supposed friend can unfriend you on this social networking site while continuing asking favours from you, such as booking tickets to his overseas trip because he can't really understand written English. 

Usually, I don't give a damn. However, if you can be so gungho about taking people out of your life, don't ask favours from them. Don't pretend. 

It's people like you that make me don't want to be nice to people.

So what if you got a new girlfriend? She moved on, and so can you. You don't have to unfriend her sister just because you got a new girlfriend and don't want your ex and ex's family to know about it. I would wish you the best, but I think I would keep my well wishes because I wouldn't have known about your relationship if my friend had not told me about it. *insert bitchy look here* 

If your ego is so big, if you want to remain looking like your life has gone downhill due to the breakup, then I am going to burst this bubble of yours when I next see you. Given your MO, there are only two reasons for you unfriending me on this social media. 

1. Your gf and you are active on this platform and you don't want me to know your updates that you have moved on and is no longer sulking at home every night whining about how your heart has been broken.

2. You have not gotten over your ex and it pains you to see updates about your ex through her sister, who is supposedly your friend as well. 

Which is more plausible? No benefit of the doubt for you here. I'm going with 1. And I think it's seriously mean of you because you have continuously been playing the role of the victim and continuously been getting me involved in trying to get your ex back then. In fact, you still are when you see me. So no more pity for you. The breakup then was asked of by you anyway. It wasn't even your ex's fault that you treated her so badly that she had to wake herself up 2 years later. I'm honestly surprised that I had not connected my fist to your jaw when she told me some things in between your relationship.

And why I think I am mean? Because I know you won't ever read this, not just because we aren't "friends" anymore, but also because you can't really read English. 

Yes, I am feeling really mean now. 

Hiatus from Running

I actually miss running.

I miss running but I'm on this 30-day challenge with myself where I workout daily. It ends on the 19th of this month. To be honest, I cannot wait to go back to running. But I started on this, and I don't want to stop halfway.

Plus, it's not like this workout has no benefits. HAHA.

To be really honest, I feel more tired than when I go for runs when doing this workout. And that makes me feel more accomplished after the workouts. 20 minutes is also a really short time, it's not that bad for a person like me who seriously has issues with keeping to time cos she has a million things that she set herself up for oops.

And although this workout is only 20 minutes, I actually feel fitter after the workouts as compared to running. My minimum runs are usually about 3.5km now. And I feel a little guilty when I go for runs because I feel like I could use that time for something else (I take about an hour plus with walking and using the exercise machines in my neighbourhood).

I wonder if I would be able to go even further after this 30-day challenge. :P

Oh well, 20th, come quickly!