You know when you are never happy with what you look like?

I think it's quite obvious from the title what this post is going to be like.

I think I lost count of the number of years that I was dissatisfied with my body.

In my growing years, I think I couldn't be bothered. 

Well, I think I was too preoccupied with my friends in primary school then. 

Then you know how it goes, you go into a secondary school and suddenly you're a nobody and you suddenly forget how to make friends and become super self-conscious. 

At least that happened for me. 

Well, at first I was still not bothered. But throw in puberty and your first crush? Okay, now I am starting to bother. But no, still no action, couldn't get to it. Hated exercising, especially running. And you know this self-denial thing? Yeah, I went through that phase too. "It's not so bad, it's fine. you're in the normal weight range again! You're not fat." Well, eventually I did get fat.

And really, the thing about getting fatter and being a nice person, is that people don't exactly make fun of you. Well, they might talk behind your back, but what you wouldn't know wouldn't kill you... No one really openly calls you fat when you are nice cos maybe they feel mean themselves if they make fun of you. Hey, I don't really know the rationale. 

But I was putting on so much weight over the years that when I look back now, I seriously wonder what happened. I probably hit the heaviest when I was in Poly. Well, no more PE to keep you from gaining too much weight, no self-discipline to go exercise on your own. I was still in self-denial then man. Okay maybe not self-denial. I think it was more like, I can't give a damn already. 

And then I was planning an event as part of my module. And you know how these events go, mandatory group shots. I looked at the photos after the event and I was like "My goodness, seriously?" I felt horrible. I think I looked terrible. And I'm not going to hide this picture. I think this picture should forever serve as a reminder to take good care of my body and never let it get to this stage ever again. 

And no, I don't exactly remember when I really started losing weight, but I did remember changing my lifestyle when I went to Shanghai for a 6 weeks school program/holiday. Seriously, exercising with a friend is more fun. I started to like running. Then I met with a few issues and I started going running alone. I loved it more. Blasting fast paced songs as time went by, running faster and longer, I started loving running. 

I was aware I lost some weight by the time I returned from the program. My clothes were more loose, and really, it felt good. And the change was then. I would go for runs with my friends in school. In year 3, I went for PFM and made it my goal to get that silver for NAPFA so that I would get the school jacket. Well, I did get my jacket in the end. Haha!

Here's the interesting part. I started working part time at this place and this group of colleagues would always make fun of me and joke around calling me xiao fei, etc. It was really really annoying and hurting to my self-esteem. But I brushed them away and pretended to ignore their mean behaviour. 

And then I went to Melbourne. Honestly, best chance to change my lifestyle and live for myself. It was quite suffocating back at home because I felt forever burdened by a lot of responsibilities within the family. I lost a lot of weight. In fact, I think over the course of a year, I lost almost 10 kilos. I kinda became a little obsessed with exercising. I felt uneasy if I missed a gym or a swimming session. I wasn't even going with a friend. I was going on my own. And I started becoming concerned about my over-enthusiastic behaviour towards exercise. I actually went to read about it and realised that people could indeed get addicted to exercising. Well, I don't know about others, but I really think this was upsetting balance and I didn't like it. I forced myself to stop thinking so much about exercising and re-evaluated how I was planning my life. Basically, I went off balance once again.

Today, my weight still fluctuates, but when I don't exercise, I don't beat myself up for it but I don't let myself stay inactive for too long either. Most important lesson of all, if I am unhappy with how I look, I do something about it now. Cos waiting for something to change is just not going to cut it. Not happy arms not toned enough? Lift weights. Legs not toned enough? More squats please. Tummy coming out? Cardio and abs workout. Eat healthier, cut down on junk food. Feel better about self and happier with life. Be more energetic. 

Change doesn't happen with whining. The first step is always the hardest.