THE LIE!

oh my please pause my blog songs before you listen to this cute song.

#216

i can't take this anymore.
when i look at myself,
all i think about is my messed up mind.
how can one person have so many feelings and emotions at the same time?

am i a low maintenance friend?
because you guys are making me feel this way.
i don't want to pinpoint who you guys are.
i guess you know.
but just in case you don't,
i guess i'll just have you know now.
after 18 over years in my life,
i'll just have you guys know this.
i'm sick and tired of being that low maintenance friend.
sick and tired that i'm an option.
sick and tired that you guys can just ps me due to some reasons that are 'unforeseen'.
sick and tired that i have to be alone when you guys have the others for company.
and even more sick and tired of broken promises.
and just because i don't mention anything about it doesn't mean that i never minded it.
don't say sorry when you don't mean it.
it takes the meaning away from the apology itself.

when i look back,
i know for myself.
i'm not exactly the most rational person on earth.
i do have my irrational moments.
perhaps this is the time that i'm being irrational,
but i don't wish to stop myself from being what i am now.
because this is how i am reacting to things happening around me.
i can't talk to you guys about this face to face,
because of certain reasons.
and i choose to write it here,
because i guess,
only people who bother will come here.
but yes, i am waiting for people to take the initiative,
cos i'm done with doing that.

#215

i've been very reluctant to blog.
maybe cos i'm busy?
or maybe i don't really want to let people in to what i have been thinking.
idk.

maybe the huge amount of time left alone on tue was the time for me to reflect.

i can still remember how comforted i was when i saw my jap class friend yesterday outside class, before going into jap class.

even though we were not close.

perhaps that was when i realized that i really needed some form of support, and i really didn't want to be alone at all.

so that explained my sinking feeling when i have to be alone.

but thank you people,
thank you those who entered into my life today, in any form.
whether intentionally or unintentionally.
because today was the day i thought i would break.

thank you mum, grandma, and grandaunt for having lunch with me and making me laugh even though its celebration for your birthday, grandma.
thank you terence for crapping quite alot with me today. it sort of filled up the empty gaps. lets go chomp chomp one day haha.

thank you yijun for accompanying me through the pockets of time while i was waiting for ashley at bishan.

thank you ashley for arranging to come out and meet me despite you being so busy at work today, and the bookmark on ryeowook! ♥

there are so many thank yous i have to make.

perhaps even though its 365 days after you left, i still haven't forgotten you,

or how close we were.

Blackie, you mended alot of things in my life, including my relationship with my sister.

i knew i hated you at first.

but in the weirdest way, the person you became closest to was me.

even up till today,

i am still unable to forget how you used to call out differently to me when kor brought you over to grandma house.

to others, you called out angrily, but when i went to you, you called out like how a scared child would call his/her mother.

and then i would recall you playing hide and seek + catching around in the house with me.

you running out of the house and losing your way, not knowing how to come home, needing me to go find you level by level.

you 'whining' at me when i bathe you.

you stretching lazily when i call you when you are sleeping.

you responding to only me calling by coming over to find me.

you allowing me to hug you tightly when things so bad happen to me and i just keep crying when you hate hugs.

you coming to find me in the middle of the night when i'm studying for exams, etc.

you falling sick and i losing sleep by waking up every hour automatically cos i'm so worried for you.

you allowing only me to carry you like how a mother would carry her child. you would squirm out of everyone else's hand if they tried to do the same.

i chasing you out of the house angrily when you were naughty.

there are so many more.

i can't force you out of my memory,

and i want to keep you in my memory too.

i notice no matter how bad my memory is at certain things,

i just won't forget all the bits and pieces of you.

i know things won't be the same anymore.

and maybe after one year of self denial

i'm finally learning to let you go.

i won't stop myself from missing you, because i know that is normal,

and maybe from you, i learnt that i have to protect myself.

i notice how i would start to think of you when things start going wrong.

well, never again.

i would stop doing that from now.

because you are no longer here, i have to accept this.

thinking of you when things go wrong make me more sad than ever.

but i'll learn,

i'll learn slowly,

thank you blackie.

i miss you.

dun waste ur wishes. give them to me.
i want it :D

http://sup3rjunior.wordpress.com/2010/05/17/inkigayo-rehearsal-moments/
i love super junior!
they don't walk away (:

walking away

i think this sort of thing often happens to me,
people coming
people leaving.
people coming back again,
without knowing they have left me behind before.

but people,
i'm sick of this.
sick of you guys leaving,
coming back acting as if nth ever happened.

i no longer have the energy to take you back while pretending that things are the same.
i'm not me anymore.
or rather, i'm not the me that used to be so into people around me.
i had this thinking that if i was left alone again,
i would break.
but i didn't.
i stayed whole as i was,
and continued moving on.

sometimes people say that people sometimes walk away to see who will chase after them.
but i guess once your heart hardens,
no matter how far the other chases,
they can't reach out to you.
it's as if you were there,
they can see you,
you can see them,
but they can't feel you,
just like you can't feel them.

my blog later become never blog at all sia.
haha

24th APRIL 2010
went out with mum and sis if i rmb correctly.
hehe
we went city sq mall again.
LOL!
okay nth liao.
idk if i had work. but i think no leh.
LOL.

25 APRIL 2010
i hate sundays. GAHH

28 APRIL 2010
I LOVE TODAY! :D
after sch meet ly and yt for jogging,
then left earlier cos need to go meet ashley, joyce, and naing for dinner
WEEE~
so long never see him alrd
i super miss fish and co :(
oh well.
haha

01 MAY 2010
work whole day! :D
i quite like working in CJ.
people there are mostly nice.
:D

05 MAY 2010
met ashley at bishan!
she go buy formal
then we go eat manhatten
then then then
met her fren's boyf to discuss her fren bday celebration
haha
homed!
haaappppppyy :D:D

08 MAY 2010
today work whole day again.
money money money i love money!
haha night was super busy i couldn't take it!
and i was super tired. LOL
then there was this person who looked like older version of EC
OMG
LOL.

09 MAY 2010
work half day then went to celebrate mother's day
collected cake after work
i shall post it one day! :D
actl is grandma birthday.
haha!

*~*~*~*~*~*~

i realize i like XXX alot.

no no i LOVE XXX.

XXX never fails me.

always comes to me when needed.

you know what's XXX?

ITS MONEY :D

hahhaha

i love money!

-.-

tell me who dun...

i should start getting back to earth.

tag replies only :)

yanling: :( but im not mean! i intro people to u leh! :D
yu loon: LOL. not extended to you. only me me me me!
yi jun: :(
who thee: haha YEAP. omg when are we meeting again? :D
yijun: how can i NOT blog abt 23 :D
yijun: if u have nth good to say abt MWS i dun want friend you alrd. hmph. ):
XP: WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU?! LOL

omg so long never blog again.
but my brain really cant think of what happened you knw.
but i saw MWS on wed :D

shit sia. my whole brain only full of MWS. will blog later when my mind more clear. now very tired. heh heh