The Year of 2015

It was beautiful.

When clock struck 12 on New Year's day, the fireworks went off one after another, again and again for almost 5 minutes. It was so close. It is the closest I have ever been to fireworks, and I think it's the closest I would ever be.

Singapore sure knows how to throw a party.

And that is one short snippet of the really long fireworks show (not that I am complaining).

I realised that I have really grown up then.
Gone were the days where I go crazy looking forward to countdowns and having fun with my friends.
But maybe I already grew out from these a long time ago. Well.
I actually envisioned myself sitting on the couch watching fireworks and sipping wine (not literally though, i'm not that big a fan of wine). But my point is, I rather spend it quietly with the one I love. This year, we went to Melv's place cos his mom feels a little down. I'm really glad we didn't go out and just stayed in the end, because I wouldn't have been able to see such an awesome fireworks show if we went out.

And with all new years come new changes.
I want changes this year, I really do.
And I'm talking about all aspects of my life.
Can you believe I've never sat down and thought about my New Year Resolutions?
For a thinker who likes to think, I sure didn't think much.
But I resolved to do that this year! (haha I think I'm funny; resolving to do resolution)

• Health

• Exercising at least twice a week

• Eating Healthier - more fruits and vegetables and more home cooked healthy meals

• Wealth

• Take up the 52 Weeks Challenge (in my own manner)

• Social and Family Life

• Cooking at least 2 meals a month for my family 

• Volunteering for something 

• Being more involved emotionally

• Self

• Going back to reading - a book a month doesn't sound too difficult yes?

• Finish Taylor's Gift 

• Spend a day a month to clear the clutter - literally a whole day

• Knowing more about Him.

And I'm going to do it! 

Let's go!

Cooking healthier!

So I previously said I wanted to eat healthier.

So darn difficult.

I think it's easy when you are living alone, but it's not easy when you are living with your family who has really different eating habits (e.g. eating at 8 plus 9 pm)

And so I downloaded a healthy recipes app on my mother's phone. It helped! She started cooking some dishes from there, and I would cook a dish or two when she was cooking while I am home.

Today, I cooked this potato dish with carrots, beans, and eggs. I really like this dish after I cooked it while I was in Melbourne. The eggs were runny, and when you break it and eat it all together, it tastes so awesome! Alas, not a dish for my dad who loves Chinese food.

Count your blessings Wednesday

I'm extremely lucky. Despite what a lot of people say about how Melv is lucky for having found me, I think I am extremely lucky to have found him. Because really, I am the lucky one. 

I found a man who loves me for who I am, who renders me support when I need it most, who listens although he has an extremely short attention span, and he does all these unconditionally. 

He would have no complaints when I have to alter our plans just to accommodate certain commitments that I made. He patiently sits there on the day of his leave at my house, watching me assemble a last minute cake order. He listens to me when I am feeling awful or when I had a lousy day. He gives in to me all the time. He appreciates me, and shows it whenever he can. He puts me first in many decisions he make. He never raises his voice at me and always tries to understand me and my little imperfect ways. He remembers the things I say, no matter how insignificant they are. I don't know how he does it, but he does. Through his ways, he reminds me that I am human, and I can depend on him. I don't have to always steel myself and fight on my own. 

He annoys the heck out of me whenever he asks me endless questions that make me think so hard. He forces me to make decisions about what we would be going to do for the weekend or where we should go for dinner. He makes fun of me from the little things that he find out about me, but I wouldn't change him for anyone else in the world, because there will probably be no one who knows me as much as he does, no one who would put in as much effort as him, and no one who would love me as unconditionally as him.

And for this, I am thankful. 

How do you know if he is the one?

I had two friends ask me this question in 2 days.

While I didn't think so much about it the first time I was asked this question, I started to wonder when I got the question the second time.

And my answer is: I would never know. I don't have a crystal ball, and I don't have a magical animal that can calculate it out for me.

But there would be one thing that I know, and that is, if I were to stay committed to the relationship and we both do all we can to make it work, then it would work. If it doesn't work out in the end, then, he isn't the one. Even so, I would have no regrets, because I tried my best.

You need two to make a relationship work.

And while there are some things that can actually make it easier for you to try, there are also things that can make you feel like giving up. And it is exactly the things that make you feel like giving up that strengthen your relationship most. You don't have to argue over every little thing, but it is almost impossible to know someone better without occasional fights. As bad as this sounds, the worst character of a person comes out during this time, so if you can settle an argument in a way where both of you are comfortable with, I think that's something good. Mel and I don't exactly argue a lot, and when we do, we usually only 'argue' after a while, because I tend to need the cool-down period. I refuse to let emotions take over completely when I am feeling upset about something, because I feel that this is the time when most hurtful things can be said. Different people can settle it differently, but I find that taking a step back is beneficial. If you can't even settle differences without hurting yourself or the other, then I really think something is wrong in the relationship, and if nothing is done to change that, then it is probably just the start of the end.

I see a relationship progress in a certain way. It is a gradual process whereby it isn't so much about you, but it is about him/her. I don't call it self sacrifice, and I wouldn't try to balance it out in an equation either. I think people don't see from the perspective that you should put your other half first in whatever decisions you make (I'm talking about the more stable relationships). It's about making the other happy. I mean, why would you want to be in a relationship and be anything other than nice to the other party? It doesn't really make sense to me. It's a cycle you know. A treat B nice, B is happy, B then treats A nice, A is happy (and it goes on and on). Sometimes it's really hard to be nice though, especially when you quarreled, or you just had a bad day at work. Communication comes in playing an important role here. I really don't see how hard it is to say that "I am tired from XXX, let me take a breather for a while to sort my thoughts out" when you feel that way. Firstly, other half gets the message and takes a step back. Secondly, other half would be more understanding towards any irrational behaviour. Thirdly, you give an opportunity for your other half to share your problems with you. I could go on and on about communication because I think people are just not open enough with their communication. Well, either that or they communicate not-so-nice things to one another.

I also have this theory about the different phases of a relationship, where transition from 1st to 2nd is probably the most problematic transition.
The different phases of a relationship
They call the start of the relationship the honeymoon phase for a reason. I don't actually know who came out with this theory, but i figured its because you are like honey at first, and the other party would do anything for honey at this stage, including getting the moon for you. After this stage ends, and you get more comfortable with each other, honey isn't considered that hard to get anymore. And so, people start slacking off. Well, life gets in the way sometimes too. We have jobs, school, friends, family - it really isn't easy finding a balance.
Then comes the next phase. This is mostly the phase that makes or breaks a relationship. It is easy to slack off, and while some partners are okay with it, others are confused over what caused the change. To add on, things start getting more real as the couple heads towards a more stable relationship. It's not just about going on dates anymore. There are errands to run, there are each other's family to meet now and then, and many more things that once were left on the back-burner coming out front, demanding for attention. I mean, you can push these things back to a certain point in time only, right? In other words, the reality sets in, together with the insecurity when assurance is not enough. People hardly recognise the change during these two stages.

And well, the biggest problem of all - expectations for what the other party would do. It's really common to hear this - "but he/she could do this when we first got together! Does this mean that I am not worth that much of his time now?" It's not about that though, I think it's more about a transition that happened without one party knowing. It is probably a fact that one party had stopped putting in as much effort due to (whatever) reasons s/he has. On the other hand, expectations grow as the relationship progresses as well. Things would be so much easier if we didn't have expectations for one another. We love each other in different ways. It's really important to recognise this. It doesn't mean that your partner loves you less if he/she does not love you the same way you love him/her. But we are human. We compare. We compare our love for them vs. their love for us through actions. And when we see that we are doing more, we are not happy. I think this is the time to remind ourselves to look at that person again and pick out what are the little things that he/she does for us. Chances are, we will find that they do things differently and love in a different way. Well if you really don't see any redeeming factor at all, then I really don't know why you are in the relationship. But I'm just saying...

It's good to have expectations, but it is also important to not let the expectations become the main driver of the relationship. If you feel disappointed about a certain expectation not being met, talk about it. It's most likely due to the different ways you love. It's also important to be contented and well, understanding. The other half failing on expectations isn't the end of the world. I think it is just another outlet for you to realise your differences and how you can work on it together. Relationships are just going on dates or simply looking at each other in the eyes and having everything else disappear. It is a lot of work to keep things going in a relationship. And until we learn that a relationship with another isn't just about me, but about us, we probably won't learn to love another as much as we love ourselves.

You know when you are never happy with what you look like?

I think it's quite obvious from the title what this post is going to be like.

I think I lost count of the number of years that I was dissatisfied with my body.

In my growing years, I think I couldn't be bothered. 

Well, I think I was too preoccupied with my friends in primary school then. 

Then you know how it goes, you go into a secondary school and suddenly you're a nobody and you suddenly forget how to make friends and become super self-conscious. 

At least that happened for me. 

Well, at first I was still not bothered. But throw in puberty and your first crush? Okay, now I am starting to bother. But no, still no action, couldn't get to it. Hated exercising, especially running. And you know this self-denial thing? Yeah, I went through that phase too. "It's not so bad, it's fine. you're in the normal weight range again! You're not fat." Well, eventually I did get fat.

And really, the thing about getting fatter and being a nice person, is that people don't exactly make fun of you. Well, they might talk behind your back, but what you wouldn't know wouldn't kill you... No one really openly calls you fat when you are nice cos maybe they feel mean themselves if they make fun of you. Hey, I don't really know the rationale. 

But I was putting on so much weight over the years that when I look back now, I seriously wonder what happened. I probably hit the heaviest when I was in Poly. Well, no more PE to keep you from gaining too much weight, no self-discipline to go exercise on your own. I was still in self-denial then man. Okay maybe not self-denial. I think it was more like, I can't give a damn already. 

And then I was planning an event as part of my module. And you know how these events go, mandatory group shots. I looked at the photos after the event and I was like "My goodness, seriously?" I felt horrible. I think I looked terrible. And I'm not going to hide this picture. I think this picture should forever serve as a reminder to take good care of my body and never let it get to this stage ever again. 

And no, I don't exactly remember when I really started losing weight, but I did remember changing my lifestyle when I went to Shanghai for a 6 weeks school program/holiday. Seriously, exercising with a friend is more fun. I started to like running. Then I met with a few issues and I started going running alone. I loved it more. Blasting fast paced songs as time went by, running faster and longer, I started loving running. 

I was aware I lost some weight by the time I returned from the program. My clothes were more loose, and really, it felt good. And the change was then. I would go for runs with my friends in school. In year 3, I went for PFM and made it my goal to get that silver for NAPFA so that I would get the school jacket. Well, I did get my jacket in the end. Haha!

Here's the interesting part. I started working part time at this place and this group of colleagues would always make fun of me and joke around calling me xiao fei, etc. It was really really annoying and hurting to my self-esteem. But I brushed them away and pretended to ignore their mean behaviour. 

And then I went to Melbourne. Honestly, best chance to change my lifestyle and live for myself. It was quite suffocating back at home because I felt forever burdened by a lot of responsibilities within the family. I lost a lot of weight. In fact, I think over the course of a year, I lost almost 10 kilos. I kinda became a little obsessed with exercising. I felt uneasy if I missed a gym or a swimming session. I wasn't even going with a friend. I was going on my own. And I started becoming concerned about my over-enthusiastic behaviour towards exercise. I actually went to read about it and realised that people could indeed get addicted to exercising. Well, I don't know about others, but I really think this was upsetting balance and I didn't like it. I forced myself to stop thinking so much about exercising and re-evaluated how I was planning my life. Basically, I went off balance once again.

Today, my weight still fluctuates, but when I don't exercise, I don't beat myself up for it but I don't let myself stay inactive for too long either. Most important lesson of all, if I am unhappy with how I look, I do something about it now. Cos waiting for something to change is just not going to cut it. Not happy arms not toned enough? Lift weights. Legs not toned enough? More squats please. Tummy coming out? Cardio and abs workout. Eat healthier, cut down on junk food. Feel better about self and happier with life. Be more energetic. 

Change doesn't happen with whining. The first step is always the hardest.