I had two friends ask me this question in 2 days.
While I didn't think so much about it the first time I was asked this question, I started to wonder when I got the question the second time.
And my answer is: I would never know. I don't have a crystal ball, and I don't have a magical animal that can calculate it out for me.
But there would be one thing that I know, and that is, if I were to stay committed to the relationship and we both do all we can to make it work, then it would work. If it doesn't work out in the end, then, he isn't the one. Even so, I would have no regrets, because I tried my best.
You need two to make a relationship work.
And while there are some things that can actually make it easier for you to try, there are also things that can make you feel like giving up. And it is exactly the things that make you feel like giving up that strengthen your relationship most. You don't have to argue over every little thing, but it is almost impossible to know someone better without occasional fights. As bad as this sounds, the worst character of a person comes out during this time, so if you can settle an argument in a way where both of you are comfortable with, I think that's something good. Mel and I don't exactly argue a lot, and when we do, we usually only 'argue' after a while, because I tend to need the cool-down period. I refuse to let emotions take over completely when I am feeling upset about something, because I feel that this is the time when most hurtful things can be said. Different people can settle it differently, but I find that taking a step back is beneficial. If you can't even settle differences without hurting yourself or the other, then I really think something is wrong in the relationship, and if nothing is done to change that, then it is probably just the start of the end.
I see a relationship progress in a certain way. It is a gradual process whereby it isn't so much about you, but it is about him/her. I don't call it self sacrifice, and I wouldn't try to balance it out in an equation either. I think people don't see from the perspective that you should put your other half first in whatever decisions you make (I'm talking about the more stable relationships). It's about making the other happy. I mean, why would you want to be in a relationship and be anything other than nice to the other party? It doesn't really make sense to me. It's a cycle you know. A treat B nice, B is happy, B then treats A nice, A is happy (and it goes on and on). Sometimes it's really hard to be nice though, especially when you quarreled, or you just had a bad day at work. Communication comes in playing an important role here. I really don't see how hard it is to say that "I am tired from XXX, let me take a breather for a while to sort my thoughts out" when you feel that way. Firstly, other half gets the message and takes a step back. Secondly, other half would be more understanding towards any irrational behaviour. Thirdly, you give an opportunity for your other half to share your problems with you. I could go on and on about communication because I think people are just not open enough with their communication. Well, either that or they communicate not-so-nice things to one another.
I also have this theory about the different phases of a relationship, where transition from 1st to 2nd is probably the most problematic transition.
The different phases of a relationship
They call the start of the relationship the honeymoon phase for a reason. I don't actually know who came out with this theory, but i figured its because you are like honey at first, and the other party would do anything for honey at this stage, including getting the moon for you. After this stage ends, and you get more comfortable with each other, honey isn't considered that hard to get anymore. And so, people start slacking off. Well, life gets in the way sometimes too. We have jobs, school, friends, family - it really isn't easy finding a balance.
Then comes the next phase. This is mostly the phase that makes or breaks a relationship. It is easy to slack off, and while some partners are okay with it, others are confused over what caused the change. To add on, things start getting more real as the couple heads towards a more stable relationship. It's not just about going on dates anymore. There are errands to run, there are each other's family to meet now and then, and many more things that once were left on the back-burner coming out front, demanding for attention. I mean, you can push these things back to a certain point in time only, right? In other words, the reality sets in, together with the insecurity when assurance is not enough. People hardly recognise the change during these two stages.
And well, the biggest problem of all - expectations for what the other party would do. It's really common to hear this - "but he/she could do this when we first got together! Does this mean that I am not worth that much of his time now?" It's not about that though, I think it's more about a transition that happened without one party knowing. It is probably a fact that one party had stopped putting in as much effort due to (whatever) reasons s/he has. On the other hand, expectations grow as the relationship progresses as well. Things would be so much easier if we didn't have expectations for one another. We love each other in different ways. It's really important to recognise this. It doesn't mean that your partner loves you less if he/she does not love you the same way you love him/her. But we are human. We compare. We compare our love for them vs. their love for us through actions. And when we see that we are doing more, we are not happy. I think this is the time to remind ourselves to look at that person again and pick out what are the little things that he/she does for us. Chances are, we will find that they do things differently and love in a different way. Well if you really don't see any redeeming factor at all, then I really don't know why you are in the relationship. But I'm just saying...
It's good to have expectations, but it is also important to not let the expectations become the main driver of the relationship. If you feel disappointed about a certain expectation not being met, talk about it. It's most likely due to the different ways you love. It's also important to be contented and well, understanding. The other half failing on expectations isn't the end of the world. I think it is just another outlet for you to realise your differences and how you can work on it together. Relationships are just going on dates or simply looking at each other in the eyes and having everything else disappear. It is a lot of work to keep things going in a relationship. And until we learn that a relationship with another isn't just about me, but about us, we probably won't learn to love another as much as we love ourselves.
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