i feel very short tempered lately. i dont feel myself and i know i dismiss these short temperedness with things like im just tired or something along the line.
i think things got to an extent where i dont even know what im doing to myself and my thoughts.
i just cant seem to be honest with my own thoughts. i am much better at putting my thoughts into words.
maybe i did everything so well that people really think that i'm doing well with it and i'm surviving awesomely. fact is, i try so hard to put myself back in one piece every single day. i hate my reality.
An idealist who is a realist in the eyes of many. i hide my emotions so much that i actually feel so void of it. i feel that i dont ever deserve to be happy, to love or to be loved. i think it happened so much that i dont ever think i have the right to be happy anymore.
i dont even know what i am.
do you know how scary it can be? to question yourself every single day on why hasnt a single bit of good befall on you? it doesnt matter how much people say they will be there or how much they say i deserve so much better. because i dont believe in words anymore. it doesnt matter if they move on any longer because they just prove that my theory stands tall. i no longer hurt so much when it happens.
i start to hate instead.
when you start to hate things and draw a line between you and the rest of the world, that's when you start to realize one very simple yet difficult thing: you wont accept people in your life and there is just this distance that grows greater between you and people.
you find yourself much more closed up than you ever were, and you just dont want to allow yourself to be emotionally attached to anyone as much as you ever were. you are sick and tired of being tired and you just dont want to continue anymore.
Did you take me for granted? because i remember.
因为对一个完美主义者而言，这是个污点。一个永远不管你怎么搽都搽不掉的污点；反而越搽越黑，从灰色变成现在的黑色。
