#168

qinghui: hey linked! (=
Kurebiz`: LOL. i bluff u for what sia~
(:: hey! you are??
yijun: lol? think? good right? i exercise ur brain lei. LOL

24 APR 2009
school like 2 hours only
then later stay back with yl to do tutorial
later mum fetch
say is go home la
in the end go grandma house sit sit
it until 6 plus then go home
half the time i sleeping sia.
recently not studying is sleeping
like nothing else i am interested in.
i dont want to think anymore le.
i just want to sleep.

25 APR 2009
i think i wasted this day sia.
touched jap abit only.
then waste time here and there.
haiyo. wth

26 APR 2009
did tutorial in the morning and afternoon
then at night go out
studied kanji abit abit
sian le

*v*
dont ask me whats that.
its supposed to be a starry eyed smile but
i think it looks more like a bird with the eyes and beak
LOL.
a better update when i feel a bit more free...
(=

#167

i truly ultimatly think i have nth better to do at this time of the day.
i need something to stop me from thinking all sorts of nonsensical nonsense.
that sounds abit hard.

just a idkhowiamfeelingbutitsnegative post.
#1. i truly ultimately hate the fact that around 12 plus am everyday if i am still using the damn internet, i will have to restart my stupid laptop because there is this stupid idiotic idk what kind of virus that attacks my laptop. DAMN IT
#2. i hate the fact that my lectures are like more then half the school across from the entrance of the building.
#3. i really really really cannot stand it when guys like someone and just DONT open their mouths when they made it so obvious to EVERYONE already. wats the point of letting everyone know then. it feels like a dog marking its territory.
#4. i dont like like the feeling of loneliness these days. i dont like to go anywhere alone when there are alot of people at the destination. i feel outnumbered.
#5. i dont like to see people queueing up for those really cheapskate things.
#6. i really cannot stand it when i see people rushing into the MRT station. i think they deserve to be taught civics moral education once over, more intensively.
#7. i cannot stand it when people use those colorful letters over and over again repeatedly. i think they should brush up on their vocabulary before they start speaking because repeated words just goes to show how many words they know.
#8. i dont like it when people tell me they are going to E but on the way they drop by A,B,C,D and do not tell me a thing about it at all.
#9. i dont like people to ask me to do this and that for them. i do things for people WHEN i want to do it.
#10. i dont like it when people try to control what i am thinking or try to talk me into something. if i am in a good mood i will listen, but if i am in a bad mood. you're dead.
#11. i think that people should give credit to themselves for whatever they do and not keep pushing it to someone unknown to me (at least)

idk why i am typing this. but im not shooting anyone. just abit irritated recently.
okay easily irritated.
i think the list can just go on.
and at the end of the day i would wonder.
wow. i have so many land mines.
and all these are like suddenly appear kind.

have anyone wondered how people make friends?
when u were in kindergarten, pri school u made friends so easily because u werent afraid of losing face.
then suddenly, u wake up one day and realised u forgot how to make friends.
you suddenly grew conscious of things around you.
there is this 16 40 60 theory going around.
at 16 u worry about how people think of you.
at 40 you stop bothering and
at 60 u realised no one was thinking about you.
funny as it seems, it does seem true to some extent.
people love to cling on to whatever they lost.
and as a result, u lose even more.
therefore u cling on even more.
they closed their eyes to the rest of the world so that they wont face anymore regrets,
without knowing that they would face even more regrets not seeing the rest of the world.
unwritten regrets. unknown to them start to surface a long time later, when its too late to turn back.
and you hear people saying ' i should have '
the point is, why wait?
why learn to be someone who regrets again and again instead of living for the present and future?
unless making urself miserable is the goal in ur life...
then i have nth to say.
when was the last time u went up to someone and say hi i am __. can u be my friend?
when was the last time u spent time to know somebody?
people just look at whatever they saw in a glimpse and came out with a whole new conclusion and story.
people just want to receive. and when people who keep giving do not receive, they will start to become someone who receives over time.
as a result, nobody gives.
even the most optimistic person can have depressing moments
and this is something i realised, the moment i started poly...

tagrepliesonly(:

yanling: i where got. eh walao. memorial for it lei. but got retribution can. i got nightmare abt cockroach lo.
janice: LOL. hahahaha! anytime also can give one lo. wonder school sell anot
ern: eh wat wat, damn big can. u wait. u owe me a knock on ur head.
Kurebiz`: where got average, its very BIG!! what post?
janice: lol? scary? got meh? i think is scary for me can!
janice: HAHAHA, forget lor~
janice: u never remember to remind me ma. is ur fault lor
janice: yes its very very funny!!
janice: LOL. im getting abit lazy already, haaha
janice: LOL, better then nothing wor.
janice: see, stay at home la, thts why nth to update
janice: GOT LOR! tht day u say de lor
janice: GOT thousand now? ahahaha!
janice: LOL. only today ah, so how many mushrooms died today? LOL
janice: OMG now uncountable le ah!
janice: ya, dun have 10, cos more then 10
janice: LOL
janice: nonono, not zero, thousand!!
janice: LOL
janice: you also lor!!
janice: HAHAH! we two damn bo liao
janice: im tired le
janice: i also one by one!! hehehe
yijun: ya, EEE alright!

#166

i didnt kill this blog la.
but i didnt have the mood to blog here.
IM SICK SICK SICK.
okay. falling sick. )=

okay update

15 APR 2009
forgot what i did lei
can anyone remind me or smth?
i have been thinking about it for days.

16APR 2009
ROT at home today, hahaa.

17 APR 2009
worked whole shift today.
damn sad la.
dun want to say the reason here.
then did jap homework.
busy today

18 APR 2009
i didnt work today. supposed to replace ashley
cos actually say want bring blackie see doctor de
in the end joyce replace me.
so just went to hospital to visit granddad.
granddad very cute sia.
he ask me i work got how much money le.
then i tell him, he say
orh, then next time i want to borrow 50 from you can?
i say can then he laugh.
ahahha

19 APR 2009
Worked half shift today.
S do opening today, with M and JLo I think.
Anyway, a lot do opening jiu dui le.
Then I reach damn early. Didn’t even notice.
Later call Janice, talk to her about 5 min to ask her to check the meeting time and all frm hao and contact the freshies.
She and me talk so long like we dun understand each other.
Lol.
Then joyce come late cos manager ask her to take things frm paragon.
Walao. Thanks to her la.
My eyes like cannot open like that, and the worst worst thing is I felt the lack of sleep and I totally dun feel like talking.
Then I abit upset also cos my parents didn’t want to bring blackie to the vet, and my grandpa looked so lonely in the hosp.
wat a life~
then later dk why a lot of people.
We like running a night shift like that. ._. abit madness.
Then later T go in kitchen do hot fudge choc cake.
I keep asking S to do bar things for me. Haha.
Then cos S forget how to do hot fudge le. End up M do.
I order a lot of cake tht day lol. Then later got one MSP at my table.
At tht time I alr no energy to work le. So never really do much.
Then cos for me I think do check back is do when they finish their food better lei.
Or see they not happy with the food then do. If not abit weird to interrupt their meal sia.
Then I see people eat hot fudge choc cake. I also want to eat~ )=
the shift very funny sia.
S & M very upset with P cos P is like ‘floating’. The way they say very funny.
Then he very lame. Ask me and joyce the same lame qn.
Got 2 merlions in Singapore. But why only the esplanade one got water come out of the mouth. Ans super lame de. I gave a very lame ans also.
LOL.
And I think I am very slow. Got one table for 2. Is les de. Then I dk lei. Omg la. I still thought is friends only. Then later they leave, M ask me if I one day will become like them. I qn mark sia. Then I ask who. He give me the why u so stupid face and say les la. Then I say no. then I ask, they les meh. LOL. He give me another why u so stupid face. And then I say, aiya, I not as li hai ma. Then he say as a guy, I see only I know. And im not li hai. Im very li hai. (smth like tht la).
WINNER.
Then later I ask joyce.
She say she knw.
Wt… so I think I am the only one who dk liao lo.
Then later M eating the strawberry cheesecake, then ask me want eat anot.
Then I say want. He say, I cannot finish thts why I give u eat.
Really don’t sound nice lor.
But its nice lei. Not so sweet though~
ask joyce want anot she say no. stupid her.
Lol. finish work then very tired.
Tired till dun feel like going ecp for REVO gathering.
Then I call mum ask how to go. She tell me tmr got sch, ask me go home. Then I was like har? I dk how to answer. Blank. Plus so tired. So I just say orh. Lol, shit. I think im getting a bit retarded.

20 APR 2009
school start le. then got three hour break in between the two lectures for first week. so we go out eat lor. then saw my mum. later they want go play pool. OMG. pool is not a sport that befriends me la. we dont match at all.
HAHA
the moment i think about that time SR outing.
siao liao. feel like laughing.
then later go lect then go home.

21 APR 2009
school start late today.
i feel the lecturer abit, aiya dun say better. lol
then later stay back for THREE hours to wait for JAP.
wah sian
but jap overall fun sia. haha
abit more diff. okay i admit. ALOT more diff

22 APR 2009
go school for HRM
but i dun have the notes
cos didnt get to print.
and i really dun like to ask my mum or dad to print for me at their work
cant they just buy a printer...
after that go vivo city.
ate ajisan.
i really want a new job.
i really think my friend NOT GLAM AT ALL
*-)

23 APR 2009
thats today.
school started at one today.
starting abit alone
oh well.
i guess its like that la.
gambatte ne!
after sch got kinder joy (=
yay~

I MISS GOING OUT WITH YOU PEOPLE )=

esp ashley the idiot woman and huda the bully )=

im at a loss and i dk what to do,
i dun want it to be true
i dun want to lose you...

#165

ern: u then! u then! eh next time see u pass u reborn keychain. super cute!
yijun: lol, never mind de la
Kurebiz`: eh what childish. you then childish ah, anyhow say i childish
LINGYING: MOVEEEEEE! hahaaha
yanling: ur mentality ya la, below 15. but i think ur actual age alr 51 le lo. stop bluffing urself la.
jingz: HEYLOS! i miss everyone sia. didnt see u guys for very long alr!
yu loon: LOL, i also dk what happen. but it better stop sia. sch start alr~
yanling: what name? lol
ZANN: LOL, linked. aiyo, all my frens love me eh, i will shy de! HAHAHA.

update!

10 APR 2009
go jb with family.
then jam like siao.
next time i bring peanut butter smash those people.
stupid stupid them.
i go for a car ride more then a shopping ride.
but i bought my specs le.
not pay de wor.
LOL
thts my best bargain for the day.

11 APR 2009
worked today.
the feel is coming back.
but i still think a change is better.


12 APR 2009
back to jb today to collect specs
lol.
no jam today
good good
then spend a long time at some place smelling car smell.
._.
waste my time


13 APR 2009
worked today
the feel coming back even more le wor.
quite a lot of funny things happened today la.
then they celebrated brendan bday today
seriously, the concoction stinks
and i am damn tired la
recently not enough sleep.
then my eyes closing
plus greeter talk whole day.
voice almost gone
then i started to talk really soft.
lol
dun say people
i can hardly hear myself.
throat pain

14 APR 2009
go out with joyce today
went to bugis
frm *** to shopping
lo
go abit mad sia
she buy me kinder joy!
I WANT MORE
MORE MORE MORE!
i wont get enough of it wor
i like the toys!
hahahaha
then when i got home, a super jing cai thing happened.

YES!
XIAOPEI KILLED HER FIRST COCKROACH!
its very big hor.
super big de wor. i myself also shocked how i killed it
the process very long.
first, i go kitchen take a bowl of water.
then i splash it onto the cockroach
then i used a bottle to hit it once
then i use the bottle to kick it into the toilet floor.
then i use the bottle to crush it.
then i threw the bottle away in disgust.
then i went to wash the bowl
then i went back to the toilet to wash it down the drain
omg la.
after i had sort of crushed it twice
it was still moving.
EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW
i washed it off my sight
i knw i sound sadistic sia
but then i kept saying sorry cockroach.
. . .
but still, its an accomplishment hor.
for a person who cries at the sight of a cockroach.
she is very brave alr can
brave brave me
the cockroach is very big
see the picture

its about one cm long.
those who say its small should get a hit on their head.
hmph.

#164

i wouldnt exactly call this an emo post. but... this is the exact summary of my feelings in the past three over months. and yea, these are the reasons why i wasnt myself for the so many many many months...

Jan 2009
I started to realize something that I never thought existed. I also started to head to another point of my life. Met with questions filling me almost every minute of my life, I wondered where I was heading, and what I was doing. Jan 2009 also marked that month that I have known sy for one year. My good good friend. I won’t forget how you let me remember an important fact. This is also the month that made me very upset over matters in school. It made me realize how something so important to me should never be compromised with something not of same importance. It made me realize that to be me, I have to first understand what I want, and actually show it out. This is the month that made me start thinking if it was true. From avoidance, I started to learn to face up to this matter, only to learn that facing this matter was not as easy as it seemed, and it took up a lot of my energy and time… a tinge of hope relighted within me and I discovered a sense of heartache. This marks the start of when I finally felt there was a starting to be a big change in my workplace, the place that was once filled with bond, laughter and happiness. It was the place I could run to whenever I was faced with unhappiness and stress. This is also the month where I realized that I would not mention the inner most feelings to anyone. This marks the month where I wrote a post about relationships in Chinese. The month my life started to go downwards because my laptop crashed. So many of my memories were gone, just like that. This month also made me realize how afraid I am to be alone, lonely, with people I don’t know well. I would just keep quiet as a result. I started to have a trust issue problem, unable to trust people…
Feb 2009
This month… I started to post even more private posts, with even 3 a day. With more and more things kept inside, I realized that I felt even more upset with things going around me. Besides, things that happened before left me unable to let go so easily. I started to get really emotional, very sensitive too.. I started to avoid certain things happening around me, but I know the problem wouldn’t go away. As a result, I felt even more drained than ever. I also started to think that whatever I did was not appreciated. With that thinking, I got even quieter towards the happenings around me, not willing to give, just wanting to take… I started to go out alone to think over this thinking. Probably because everyone was busy with their own studies, I had that time of not needing to entertain anyone. The support I needed was not there because I never mentioned it out. Again, I felt upset. This month, I started to realize that I would keep feelings kept within, and just ignore everything till I felt that I could face everyone without letting them know I am upset. I was wearing a mask. And I didn’t like it, not a bit. I also found that when I was upset, I didn’t want to have to say it out. I wanted people to realize it.
March 2009
This is the month that made me start to realize that I did not have a problem trusting people. I just made people feel I am very hard to reach out to, and that I didn’t trust people much. I realized how much I did to cover up my own sense of insecurity, how selfish I was, and how weak I am. I built such a strong wall to keep myself in a comfort zone, away from socializing with people. I realized that I was so tired from trying so hard to be someone I am not. I questioned myself why I had to pretend. And I missed the happy me. During one period, things got so bad that I actually found myself void of emotions and I couldn’t laugh, cry. Nothing. I seemed like an empty shell. This is when I started to understand that for things to get back to how it was, I needed to be contented again and wipe selfishness away. I started to think what I was to some people, and this time, I started to question if some people talked to me just because they wanted to ask me a favor, or get something from me. It scared me, but I couldn’t brush it off. And it certainly didn’t help things when people really were doing it… I was then given an insight that all these happened because I was able to see things that others can’t. I was more sensitive to things going on around me. With this, I begin to try to curb this thinking, and try to put myself in others shoes.
April 2009 (up till today 12April2009)
This is the month where I learnt that when I keep quiet, it is due to me feeling a sense of insecurity. I wondered if what I did for others was worth it. Again, the ‘I’ appeared. I didn’t want to face with so many things. And with every bit of time and energy I had, I tried to drive them away. This resulted in me spacing out and not talking. On 4 april, I felt a cruelty coming back to me when something similar happened to me 4 yrs ago. However, overall, with baoc, I started to feel the lost me trying to come out again. I was getting really tired of the many mood swings I was getting from the frustration of myself. And now, I am walking towards myself. This time, I am going to do it, my way, with time.

wth.
its 5 am in the morning and i am still awake.
stupid stupid stupid

#163

Kurebiz`: eh what what what, im not mean u knw, just like that say, but im not mean de lor.
yu loon: yea yea, my taste very the good de, ahahah. yea, im glad i went down too!
janice: HAHAHAHA, good for you eh, good for me too!
ern: u this outsane ah. this is called bully hor. name calling! im not bullying. i just learn frm u only, bleah
yijun: eh i say cannot use another word liao lor. later i angry hor. HAHA
yanling: not on the face. ON THE HEAD. BOOM!
yanling: aiya, ming ming someone complaining and complaining to me le lor. admit la. LOL

im accused of bullying my blog la.
say i starve it and all.
and no hor, actually is like that one,
i want to blog, but then hor. my blog told me dun want la.
so i listen to it lor~
im actually treating it very nice hor, ERN. >.<
u always bully de.
okay la update!

04 APR 2009
i really dun like this day.
4 years ago. on the same day.
the same thing happened.
i feel they are so cruel la. even if they dun mean it.
then my mood go down again...
worked with ashley and joyce.
replaced cloud.
abit upset about something else, but i dun want to mention it here..

05 APR 2009
worked alone today~ abit sian la. then they ask me to replace. but then i dun want and also cos my mother dun allow la. i no energy to quarrel with anyone.

06 APR 2009
go school for BAOC today. got the camp tee. in REVOLUCION DANCE 6! later stay back with them to do this and that for tue! homed i think

07 APR 2009
BAOC DAY 1! our group alot of people sia. minus 2 people but add alot more. in the end we had 15 people in our group! more girls then guys la. haha. the girls like more high like that eh~ haha. i think they quite united la. among themselves. they always talk among themselves.

08 APR 2009
GAMES DAY TODAY! wooohooo! the games i think kind of fun, but then hor. we didnt get to play. hahaha. i think REVO 6 damn sporty sia. lol. but then walk here and there for a long day then after that stayed back, so when i sat down in the bus, i sort of closed my eyes and ya. lala land already. lol
stayed up till about 4 am the day to make cards for the 2 SCOs and ASCO, then my dumbo sister got F&N test the following day. so when i got home was like asking me to do this do that. in the end i one plus then start doing the three cards. really not easy sia. measure this measure that, then must thread here and there. hahaha i dozed off on the table while doing it. then i woke up in the middle of the night and went to sleep on the sofa. COS its nearer then my bed. LOL

09 APR 2009
BAOC final day today! went to school at aout 8 plus 9. then continue making the cards. wenyi slept. janice continue to fahuachi. then later got performance and all. i like our performance and enchanted disney de. then the rest ah. cos i think i too sleepy le. so ya. didnt pay attention. heh, suddenly reminded of that time movie we go watch enchanted. haha. im still thinking. the scriptwriter must be trying to brainwash lil kids that cockroaches are able to clean toilets. EWWW. smart me is not going to fall for it. WAHAHA, no way eh!
REVO CAME IN SECOND~ WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE,
and and and we were best in cheer.
LOL.
throat pain, but nvm la. then got headache also.
on the bus home super cannot take it.
dozed off.
then later reach home then 9 plus go out to compass point there to pass yijun her bag.
and she bought a kinder joy for me! KINDER JOY KINDER JOY~

XIAOPEI WANT MORE KINDER JOY!

on a side note, i dk what to do about something...

#162

Kurebiz`: what. slap me. u are super mean i tell you. super duper mean.
yijun: LOL yea, its obvious u mixed it up! hahaha
janice: ITS DAMN NICE. cos i choose one. WAHAHA. u can only drool at the pic. lol
has: wat wat wat. eh the butt kick is only applicable for earth day 2009. its OVER alr. BLEAH
ern: LOL. OUTSANE! YO. hahahhaha. eh dun call me insane like that la. later
everyone call me that. LOL
yanling: lol i dun love meeting you. why what?

i think i am mean. i seldom blog here now..
until i feel this blog is like a anyhow type some crap to entertain myself thingy..
abit bad sia

update!
31 MAR 2009
out with joyce in the morn to check out some stuffs.
later part of the day meet for a class outing.
we watched mall cop,
and then after tht go home.
i walked up and down cathay and ps for total of 4 times.
i think people think i am mad.

01 APR 2009
today was a fun day.
i forget first half of the day do what le.
but i know at night meet ashley to go fish co eat dinner.
sort of celebrate joyce working in fish co for one year le.
LOL
so long never see idiot woman already.
hahaha
then i forget to bring her bonus payslip again.
really abit forgetful (DUN use other words. i will get angry)
homed at ten like that.

02 APR 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YULOON MUMMY!
haha,
celebrated yuloon mummy 18th birthday with her poly friends at marina sq today.
they are really friendly and nice people.
haha, can tell poly is fun for yul mummy eh~
homed at 9 plus. dyt appeared on show today. but then awhile only la.
i like his jacket! hehe.

03 APR 2009
went to school for BAOC,
then after that homed.
mum called ask me go HGM with her.
then i was very tired but good good me went still
bought LJS.
salty wor~
contacted my freshies
super polite and nice,
hahaha YL jealous? LOL
okay xiaopei sleepy le...