#164

i wouldnt exactly call this an emo post. but... this is the exact summary of my feelings in the past three over months. and yea, these are the reasons why i wasnt myself for the so many many many months...

Jan 2009
I started to realize something that I never thought existed. I also started to head to another point of my life. Met with questions filling me almost every minute of my life, I wondered where I was heading, and what I was doing. Jan 2009 also marked that month that I have known sy for one year. My good good friend. I won’t forget how you let me remember an important fact. This is also the month that made me very upset over matters in school. It made me realize how something so important to me should never be compromised with something not of same importance. It made me realize that to be me, I have to first understand what I want, and actually show it out. This is the month that made me start thinking if it was true. From avoidance, I started to learn to face up to this matter, only to learn that facing this matter was not as easy as it seemed, and it took up a lot of my energy and time… a tinge of hope relighted within me and I discovered a sense of heartache. This marks the start of when I finally felt there was a starting to be a big change in my workplace, the place that was once filled with bond, laughter and happiness. It was the place I could run to whenever I was faced with unhappiness and stress. This is also the month where I realized that I would not mention the inner most feelings to anyone. This marks the month where I wrote a post about relationships in Chinese. The month my life started to go downwards because my laptop crashed. So many of my memories were gone, just like that. This month also made me realize how afraid I am to be alone, lonely, with people I don’t know well. I would just keep quiet as a result. I started to have a trust issue problem, unable to trust people…
Feb 2009
This month… I started to post even more private posts, with even 3 a day. With more and more things kept inside, I realized that I felt even more upset with things going around me. Besides, things that happened before left me unable to let go so easily. I started to get really emotional, very sensitive too.. I started to avoid certain things happening around me, but I know the problem wouldn’t go away. As a result, I felt even more drained than ever. I also started to think that whatever I did was not appreciated. With that thinking, I got even quieter towards the happenings around me, not willing to give, just wanting to take… I started to go out alone to think over this thinking. Probably because everyone was busy with their own studies, I had that time of not needing to entertain anyone. The support I needed was not there because I never mentioned it out. Again, I felt upset. This month, I started to realize that I would keep feelings kept within, and just ignore everything till I felt that I could face everyone without letting them know I am upset. I was wearing a mask. And I didn’t like it, not a bit. I also found that when I was upset, I didn’t want to have to say it out. I wanted people to realize it.
March 2009
This is the month that made me start to realize that I did not have a problem trusting people. I just made people feel I am very hard to reach out to, and that I didn’t trust people much. I realized how much I did to cover up my own sense of insecurity, how selfish I was, and how weak I am. I built such a strong wall to keep myself in a comfort zone, away from socializing with people. I realized that I was so tired from trying so hard to be someone I am not. I questioned myself why I had to pretend. And I missed the happy me. During one period, things got so bad that I actually found myself void of emotions and I couldn’t laugh, cry. Nothing. I seemed like an empty shell. This is when I started to understand that for things to get back to how it was, I needed to be contented again and wipe selfishness away. I started to think what I was to some people, and this time, I started to question if some people talked to me just because they wanted to ask me a favor, or get something from me. It scared me, but I couldn’t brush it off. And it certainly didn’t help things when people really were doing it… I was then given an insight that all these happened because I was able to see things that others can’t. I was more sensitive to things going on around me. With this, I begin to try to curb this thinking, and try to put myself in others shoes.
April 2009 (up till today 12April2009)
This is the month where I learnt that when I keep quiet, it is due to me feeling a sense of insecurity. I wondered if what I did for others was worth it. Again, the ‘I’ appeared. I didn’t want to face with so many things. And with every bit of time and energy I had, I tried to drive them away. This resulted in me spacing out and not talking. On 4 april, I felt a cruelty coming back to me when something similar happened to me 4 yrs ago. However, overall, with baoc, I started to feel the lost me trying to come out again. I was getting really tired of the many mood swings I was getting from the frustration of myself. And now, I am walking towards myself. This time, I am going to do it, my way, with time.