#215

i've been very reluctant to blog.
maybe cos i'm busy?
or maybe i don't really want to let people in to what i have been thinking.
idk.

maybe the huge amount of time left alone on tue was the time for me to reflect.

i can still remember how comforted i was when i saw my jap class friend yesterday outside class, before going into jap class.

even though we were not close.

perhaps that was when i realized that i really needed some form of support, and i really didn't want to be alone at all.

so that explained my sinking feeling when i have to be alone.

but thank you people,
thank you those who entered into my life today, in any form.
whether intentionally or unintentionally.
because today was the day i thought i would break.

thank you mum, grandma, and grandaunt for having lunch with me and making me laugh even though its celebration for your birthday, grandma.
thank you terence for crapping quite alot with me today. it sort of filled up the empty gaps. lets go chomp chomp one day haha.

thank you yijun for accompanying me through the pockets of time while i was waiting for ashley at bishan.

thank you ashley for arranging to come out and meet me despite you being so busy at work today, and the bookmark on ryeowook! ♥

there are so many thank yous i have to make.

perhaps even though its 365 days after you left, i still haven't forgotten you,

or how close we were.

Blackie, you mended alot of things in my life, including my relationship with my sister.

i knew i hated you at first.

but in the weirdest way, the person you became closest to was me.

even up till today,

i am still unable to forget how you used to call out differently to me when kor brought you over to grandma house.

to others, you called out angrily, but when i went to you, you called out like how a scared child would call his/her mother.

and then i would recall you playing hide and seek + catching around in the house with me.

you running out of the house and losing your way, not knowing how to come home, needing me to go find you level by level.

you 'whining' at me when i bathe you.

you stretching lazily when i call you when you are sleeping.

you responding to only me calling by coming over to find me.

you allowing me to hug you tightly when things so bad happen to me and i just keep crying when you hate hugs.

you coming to find me in the middle of the night when i'm studying for exams, etc.

you falling sick and i losing sleep by waking up every hour automatically cos i'm so worried for you.

you allowing only me to carry you like how a mother would carry her child. you would squirm out of everyone else's hand if they tried to do the same.

i chasing you out of the house angrily when you were naughty.

there are so many more.

i can't force you out of my memory,

and i want to keep you in my memory too.

i notice no matter how bad my memory is at certain things,

i just won't forget all the bits and pieces of you.

i know things won't be the same anymore.

and maybe after one year of self denial

i'm finally learning to let you go.

i won't stop myself from missing you, because i know that is normal,

and maybe from you, i learnt that i have to protect myself.

i notice how i would start to think of you when things start going wrong.

well, never again.

i would stop doing that from now.

because you are no longer here, i have to accept this.

thinking of you when things go wrong make me more sad than ever.

but i'll learn,

i'll learn slowly,

thank you blackie.

i miss you.