#261

time can be a real bitch at times.
i can't remember how long has it been since the start of myself trying to balance every single thing that plops down in front of me in my life.

meeting up with friends is a really tough thing for me, because i need so much time with myself but i am so caught up with my daily need-to-dos that i don't even have much time for myself.
every week i'm telling myself to keep some time off for myself, but something comes up almost every time and i'm off scrambling doing something which i don't exactly want to do but feel compelled to do.
it's just always me succumbing to the responsibilities.
and when i actually really get to spend like a while off the responsibilities and do the things a 20-year old would do, i feel almost guilty when i face back to reality, or when some email comes into my inbox.
i almost dont even want to look into the mail; just feel like deleting it all off.
there's just so much a person can take, and i think i'm nearing the brim. i would like to throw someone in my circumstances and see how long they would hold out before they throw in the towel. damn it i really do.

the lack of time is precisely why i hate people cancelling out on me, and i really cannot stand it when they do it anymore. i know i used to just suck it up and take it all in, but let's just put it this way, people change. i'm sick of that nonsense and what i have to face after that timing is now BLANK. because i blanked that timing out just for you, and when you back out in the last moment, it leaves me left with one thing to do; get back to the reality and do what i should be doing. and boy, it sucks big time, especially when i was looking forward to it because it is one of my favorite activity/what i missed doing/both. and then i am back to all that i knew you couldn't be trusted kind of thing, and that kind of i'm not going to want to hang out with you every again would pop into my head.

and i'm past caring if i am being demanding or unreasonable because dude, seriously? you don't cancel out on and and go on with that pushing the blame to me kinda thing. it just gets on my nerves increasingly and i just want to slap you awake. you were the one who cancelled. you jolly well take responsibility for your own bloody actions or my reaction is my hand on your face, and i'm telling you that seriously, you wont want that. i utterly hate that because of people like you, i now already plan back up plans, and honestly, those backup plans end up sounding so much better than the outing itself i wish i went for the back up plan instead. at least i don't get disappointed with it because my backup plans don't fail; you don't fail when you plan something with yourself.

i hate you people who make me feel small. and i'm not even sorry if i leave you behind. oh, and i'm seriously past caring about the fact of anyone from my past possibly hating on me. hate me all you want, just do it openly so we don't have to feel awkwardness. i can just get past that stage and ignore your presence when i see you in the streets.