#53

NOTE: with effect from 13/09 of 2008,
i am not going to organise any outings and will refrain from outings.
therefore, refrain from asking me out.
i will not be online.
i cant be both a good friend and a good daughter.
and i think its time to make a decision.
i will be none.
none of all this.
i really need some time alone to myself.
all these is bringing my health down.
i have been losing appetite, sleep and whatever else.
i think its time to think of myself already.
you guys drove me to this.
i need time alone to think things through now.
however selfish it is for me to say it.
i ask myself.
are you people worth it.
the funny thing is, while i could promptly say that it is worth it in the past.
i now no longer am able to say everything that i did for everyone is worth it anymore.
i now feel that no one is worth of my effort anymore.
im sorry to say this.
but being there for you people meant that i had no time for myself.
i lost myself.
and when i needed someone most.
no one was there.
i lost faith in friendships on wednesday.
and i lost faith in family today.
this led to me being alone once again.
and this time, i dont intend to regain any faith.
not until i get an answer to my question.
not until i face the fact that my faith might be lost again.
i dont care if anyone reads this and get mad with me.
cos i am mad with myself too.
so lets all get mad with me and leave me to fend for myself.
like what has always been.
its always been me when i needed people around me.
since this is the case all the time, i think things wouldn't change.
not until i learn to believe in faith once again.
sometimes, giving your all means nothing to it isnt it.
and therefore. i decided to give nothing.
nothing at all.
leave me alone.
i am really tired.
and no one can tell.
why should i give my all.
on wed, mum asked me to go out with her.
i couldnt cos i had this thing i had to go.
in the end, this thing i thought was important was a disaster.
in the end.
i ended up getting the feeling that it was all my fault.
today, i told my friend to meet for my stuff.
my mum told me that she told me that she wanted me to accompany her to run some errands.
i told her that i was meeting my friend.
she said that i told her that this thing was yesterday.
i dont know what to do.
if i cancel this thing, my friend would get upset.
if i dont go out with my mum. she would get upset.
then i thought, i meet my friend in the morning, then later in the afternoon, i meet my mum.
my mum say since i wanted to go out with my friend, then dun care about the chinatown thing already.
so i thought everything was fine already.
then i went out with my friend.
later at two plus.
my mum called me and yelled at me, telling me how disappointed she was in me. saying how selfish i was, saying that if my friend was so great, i should ask my friend for my allowance, ask my friend to wash my clothes and all.
needless to say, she just hung up on me after scolding me.
i dont understand, she was the one who tell me never mind already.
why is she angry now.
i really dont understand.
and she is now ignoring me at home.
taking that i do not even exist.
why give birth to me when you hate me so much.
WHY.
why do you hate me so much.
what did i do.
did i not do as much or even more then them
why do they get so much more love and understanding from you
when i feel they never placed you as their number one.
do you know how tortured i feel?
do you know how hurt i am?
yet i have to pretend.
yet i have to act as if nothing happened.
yet i have to act as if i dont know what happened.
yet i have to act like a fool and get scolded in the end of the day for being a fool.
i must be so good at acting that now, i think i am a fool.
I REALLY DONT KNOW WHETHER TO BE A GOOD FRIEND OR A GOOD DAUGHTER.
you just cant seem to see that my attitude towards everything changed after that day.
i dont know how much you are hurting.
and somehow, now i dont care.
because i feel that the hurt i am feeling is worse then the hurt you are feeling.
you lied to me. you lied to me.
nothing more can be said.
i cant pretend nothing happened.
i really cant.
and so,
i decided to leave.