#11

this blog was set up to only note the happy things. so that if i ever lose my memory one day, i can view everything, only the happy ones. and people can see tht life can be full of happiness too!! (:(: i have been very happy recently, for the past one week, maybe because i finally only wanted to remember the good things. i guess i am finding myself again. tht is probably why. ever wondered why do babies cry? i ever. they are not afraid to show their feelings, when they are happy or excited, they laugh. when they are sad, angry or scared, they cry. why do people grow up hiding all these feelings? is fitting in very important? i always thought that being yourself was all that mattered, but i found out that i was always giving in. giving in and giving in. and making myself feel miserable because i don;t understand why i should give in to others when they don't give in to me. but this is part and parcel of life, isn't it? anything that does not make you fall makes you stronger. cliche it is, but i think its true.

another question, what is happiness? in the past, happiness meant that i could see my dad, it meant that i could walk with mother, brother and sister to dad's office to play. although i would be sad too, because walking there meant that we were bringing dinner to him and that also meant that he would be going home late too. it meant going out with lanterns during the lantern festival and walking around. it meant playing with swings at block 17 there. it meant going to school early with brother and join his friends in catching some insects and all. i grew up in such an environment! i was never scared of cockroaches till one time... brother would come to my class during breaks sometimes to show me what he had caught in the morning. happiness meant that i could play some silly game with my brother and sister. it meant going over to grandma house to just eat dinner. it meant being able to make new friends. it meant being able to eat things that i liked. happiness could be so easily reached, but what people are looking for now is something else right. fame, power, wealth. sometimes, i wonder if change is good. that playground with the swing is no longer there. all my memories are slowly being destroyed by civilization. by the improvements.

what is happiness now? people make things so complicated that i wonder what is going on. lies. everything is so fake. and i feel tired of it. when i can obviously see the lie but i have to pretend i don't know anything. i don't feel like knowing anything either. blueberry waffles, lollipops, strawberry pocky, the secret hideout. my way of finding my happiness. why do people feel happy when they get the new game, the new cap or the new handphone in town? is that happiness? i admit i will feel happy, but that is not the happiness i want. i want something real, and does not lie.