#32

My mood has been not very good recently… the recent spate of events made me totally unmotivated. I don’t wish to do anything at all. I even feel like quitting the job… I am starting to get dissatisfied with everything. Maybe the need to be loved is getting a little bit too over. I really don’t know. From young, I learnt to depend on only myself. In my world, you can say there is no can you help me this can you help me that. It’s just me doing everything alone. When I am faced with fear, all I look up to for help is myself. Perhaps this independence is what everyone is trying to attain, but all I wanted was more care and concern from you two. Is being sensible that good a thing? I don’t see any good in it. All I see is that I am being neglected. You don’t seem to understand me. ‘She has been insecure from young.’ I don’t know if you realize that I am too insecure but I just don’t show it. From young, I tell myself how happy I am. Everything is perfect. But life is full of imperfections isn’t it? My world is now crashing down. Right now, everything I deemed as perfect is no longer perfect. It’s the feeling of jealousy. It’s not supposed to feel this way isn’t it? It’s not easy to pretend that I am happy all the time when all I ever wanted was to break down and cry. Don’t you see it? I also want someone to be there to tell you guys that I need to be loved. It’s of no use if I am the one asking for the love. I thought it didn’t matter, but it matters to me, it matters a lot to me. A whole lot more then you think. Maybe you don’t see the reason behind why I don’t seem to be getting well. Maybe you don’t see the reason behind why I keep working to keep myself occupied. Maybe you don’t. I know the answer only too well myself. I don’t want to stay at home and get into more quarrels that make me even more upset with the upset that I am already feeling. maybe you don’t seem to see that I want just that a little bit more attention from you. Why do I feel that you don’t understand me but you seem to understand her and I get jealous when all the while I am the one trying to pull your relations closer? I am the one who is telling you all how you should talk to her, the one telling you how she might be feeling. I don’t need a thank you. But why don’t you show me more care like how you are showing her? I have so many things to tell you. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to tell people I need help, because I always depended on myself. I am really tired. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I am sick of being independent. Then came the incident of her dropping something and breaking it at the shopping mall. I was the one who voiced out the fear that she might be facing. i know you sent her a sms to apologize. But you lied. You told me you were just deleting messages. I don’t know what hurt more, the fact that you lied or the fact that you never apologized to me when I felt upset for being scolded for something that I didn’t do. But it really hurt a lot. Talking about this is making me cry but I have to talk about it, not in your face that is. You probably will never know about the amount of questions I have in my mind that I want to throw in your face. You will never know.

All I wanted was somebody who cares.
I now want somebody to take me away from here.
And that person is not a friend… neither is that person a ‘family’

Laying behind this mask,
The girl questions herself.
What can be done,
To salvage the harm,
She inflicted by keeping mum.
The need to be seen,
And the need to be heard,
Came crashing the moment she awoken.
Sitting alone,
With tears being her only comfort,
She asks again.
How can she change it all.