blackie

oh boy, this is the time of the year again.
the time of the year where i get irritated with everything.
perhaps because of that trigger,
i start to fall back to what i was.
i dont want things to go back to this way,
i dont want self despair.

losing something so important to you,
how could you find the strength to carry on?
how did I find the strength to carry on?
did you move on?
because sometimes when i look around my room, study corner, everywhere in the house,
i can feel you there.
but i have to accept the fact,
you are really gone,
and NEVER coming back,
even if you wanted to,
even if I wanted to.

sometimes i blame myself,
other times i blame others,
what right do they have to live so happily when my life was tumbled upside down because you left?
i never found the answer.
its not a lesson i should be given,
what had i done wrong?

and then i think about the times where you were there when i needed comfort most, you would come quietly, and just be there.
it was always you.

i never thought i would lose you,
and perhaps ur departure was so sudden,
up till today,
i still wonder, why?

the bond between us,
was it so vulnerable?
what did i do to deserve this?
what did you do to deserve this.
we never deserved any of this, which idiot decided that this was good?

i started falling apart when you left.
and i left for shanghai to forget everything,
but i was faced with the sadness even though i was there for 6 weeks, far from all our memories.
i cried whenever i was alone.
where did tears come from?
i seemed to have cried buckets of tears but they were just never ending.

my emotions got to a point where i felt guilty whenever i smiled or laugh.
you may have left physically,
but emotionally,
when i am tired,
i know you are there, comforting me silently.

perhaps after you left,
i started to think for myself.
selfless me started leaving.
i was changing.
i have to leave, people.
those who depend on me.
don't be too dependant on me, because i myself need to depend on somebody.

i told myself never to open up my heart again when you left,
because what was left of me was just a body without its soul.
probably no one would feel or even understand how things were back then,
but its a regret that i would never be able to forget.