bits and pieces

gone are the days where i can actually sit down and listen to all your problems.
because i am sick of all these.

i want to be happy,
i want others to be happy too.
but i always find myself sacrificing my happiness for other people's happiness.
is this fair?
shouldn't i be living for myself?
why should i bother about how you feel when you don't even understand how I feel.
does this make sense?
it does not, to me.

i don't know what came over me.
maybe i suddenly woke up,
or maybe i got tired of being there,
or maybe i felt needed only when you are finding a rubbish bin,
or maybe i wanted to be heard too.

why does things have to turn out this way i really don't know.
perhaps i'm in that mood again.

i just don't listen to my intuition.
i just like to go against it.
i never pick up hints i should.
correction, i refuse to believe in the hints i should.
i fight fate, lose miserably, and then,
not giving up, i fight again.

the feeling of having somebody there when you most need it,
the feeling of knowing that you would have someone there whenever you feel like crying most,
the feeling of happiness,
the feeling of never being lonely,
the feeling of being like a kid again,
the feeling of not being afraid of the dark because i know you will be there,
the feeling of not being afraid of cockroaches because i know you will catch it for me,
the feeling of relying on someone.
all these feelings left when you left.

i now find myself tearing when its dark and i'm all alone,
i now find myself crying when there is a cockroach at home,
i now feel so empty because it feels like a large part of me is missing.
honestly,
i feel i lost my soul.

i have never felt this way before,
but today,
when i walked on the road,
i suddenly asked myself,
what if a car came and banged me down?
i wondered for a moment.
though i brushed it off,
but deep down i know,
i dont feel anything.
what's wrong with me.
don't get me wrong, i'm not suicidal.
i just dun understand how lightly i have taken my life as time goes by.
growing up makes you lose sight of many things, doesn't it?