Just a rant

I just turned 23 a while back.

I love birthdays.

But I absolutely hate my own.

Whenever my birthday comes around, I build a barrier around me and there is this ironic feeling within me. I want to feel like I'm the most important person on that day because it is my day, but I have a lot of people around me making me feel like I'm not worth it.

And this sucks.

I hate feeling that I'm not worthy. And so, over the years, I found it easier to not give a damn about other people's birthdays because if I didn't care about theirs, they can don't care about mine and I don't have to feel so upset when they forget mine.

I feel super mean about it but I don't exactly enjoy broadcasting when my birthday is when it is coming.

And I honestly don't know what feels worse. People sending me birthday messages after my birthday when they see pictures of celebration or people totally not sending the messages at all. Because I feel sucky all the same.

I don't get it, I really don't. It makes me question who I am to these friends of mine. Am I really their friend? Or am I just another person they can go to when they need help in their life and/or need a listening ear? Because I am really sick and tired of feeling this way.

I am sick and tired of putting everyone else before me and have their treat me like I have no feelings whatsoever, forgetting me when it's about me. Can my friendships don't be just about them but about me as well? I really don't want to have friends who can't be bothered about what is going on in my life. I have enough of feeling under-appreciated at home. I don't want my friends-those I choose - to make me feel this way as well.

If I really have to, I will move away and take these people out of my life, because I really have enough of feeling like this all the time.