#232

u know how one place is so crowded but you can only see that one person? its this special feeling you get when you manage to see through the whole lot of people and have eyes for just that one person. Looking back, this was what i was then. It was a happy feeling, even though i seem to be looking into a painting as an outsider. it was a simple feeling, a simple yet happy feeling.

does growing up make you forget how to be happy?

i wish i don't care as much as i do. i wish i could be that person who can just let go of things as easy as a snap of a finger. i've been trying to be all that i'm not, placing the strong front, and showing others how i don't need anyone. sometimes i really need someone to be there. other times i just want to be alone. i dont want to care about every bit of thing going on in my life. i dont want to ask why either.

if the person involved is not even bothered to salvage matters, why on earth does the bystander have to care or bother?

everyone is entitled to be tired. but why does it seem like i'm not? do i look or seem like i have the boundless amount of energy to pull people together? yes i admit it is my instinct. i cant stand disharmony. but why can't you guys take the initiative? i'm sick and tired of trying to be the one pulling everything together when you all seem to be calling it quits.

i really miss the times as a kid, when all i had to do was to cry and my dad would come ask me what happened and give me whatever i wanted.

i miss the time when i knew that tooth fairy doesn't exist but i would put my tooth under my bed, tell my dad about it, and expect money under my pillow the next night. my dad would tell me tooth fairies do not exist but he would still put the money under my pillow. A dollar would seem a lot. 2 dollars then seemed even bigger. You would feel like you are able to own the whole world with that bit of money.

i miss the times when dad would read me bed time stories. He would read till i fell asleep. Sometimes i just wouldn't want to fall asleep and he would have to read me two stories. i liked to hear my dad read. it just somehow makes me feel safe.

i miss the times when my brother would disturb me about my small pillow and the doll that my aunt gave me in the past. he pulled the bear away from the doll's hand and kept saying sorry to me and allowed me to hit him.

i miss the times when mom would bring my brother, sister and me to dad's office so that he can have his dinner. we would then play all sorts of things in the office. first of all we would rush to the drawers and cupboards to see whatever office supplies we could 'steal' home. then we would find markers to draw on the white board. we would give each other quizzes and imitate our tuition teacher. then we would run to the fridge of the office and drink canned drinks that mom would never allow us to buy.

i miss playing the lantern with brother and sister and we would fight to see who wouldn't burn their lanterns/ would be the last one to burn it.

i miss how we can go out for dinner and just enjoy the dinner.

it feels nice to be a princess.

What happened to being happy? Isn't it more important to be happy than to be right? I love this family, i do. but why does it feel like growing up seem to pull me away from whatever is making me happy? i love my friends, i do. but why does it feel like they are sometimes making use of me? why does trust have to be so easily broken? why can't i be stronger and accept that if trust is broken then its broken. it's the process that matters.