#227

When i thought that everything's been healed almost completely,

i'm hit with the insight that things are never as they seem.

It's been over a year.

To count exactly, it's been over one year, two months and twenty two days, which makes it 448 days.

And I ask myself,

Is that amount of time not long enough for me to heal?

What can this memory of yours do to help me live my life in a more complete manner?

It's a vicious cycle.

I just don't know how to face facts that I've got to move on.

I stubbornly hold on to that memory,

even when i know that it only causes me deeper pain as time passes.

Blackie, when i saw the cat of the same physique, same fur color, same shade of eye color,

I smiled.

When i saw it chasing a cockroach running around me, i smiled too.

That moment was short-lived.

Because when i noticed how similar you were to that cat, i broke.

That same feeling of assurance that only you could give me.

Like a lost child who lost tries hard to remember where she should go.

I can't help but wonder.

If everything around me was still the way it was when you were around,

would i have looked at the cat differently?

I figured that i would go home smiling and telling you how similar you were to a cat i saw downstairs,

and maybe that cat was your mother.

I would be telling this to you, happily.

But you're gone, blackie,

and you're not coming back anymore.

It's been umpteen times that I'm telling myself this but

its just that now i know that I've always missed you,

i've lost my sense of directions again.

I've always hated myself for allowing myself to place my projects over allowing me to heal completely from losing you. If there weren't projects, and there weren't people who pushed projects to me, and if I did not put on a strong front to pretend that I'm fine, maybe things might have been different. Maybe people around me would have done how lost I was and they would leave me alone for as long as I needed. Maybe you would say that it is just me shirking my responsibilities, but you are not me, and will never be. You can't understand the hurt that I've went through.

I hate being strong.

I'm just going to crumble down this time, curl myself and cry.