#226

once in awhile, i like to sit down wherever i am and just think about the going ons in my life and what has been bothering me.

you know what people say about others moving on?

i do know the feeling of being left behind all of a sudden,

i do know the feeling of leaving people behind.

but i guess i don't know the whole feeling of someone being left behind yet.

is leaving people around you behind due to certain unsaid/unwritten reasons wrong?

I've been thinking a lot recently, while taking buses alone, while waiting for people around me. These pockets of time just seem to fill my brain with lots of ideas. I've been very busy, filling up my life with all sorts of activities, and at the end of the day, i question myself. what do i want to get out from it? am i really enjoying all the things I've been doing, or am i just doing everything to stop myself from thinking so much?

blackie's been on my mind quite a lot lately. perhaps it's due to the fact that my thoughts would somehow trail towards the question of "would things be different if blackie was still here?" what exactly is my regret towards blackie? i figured that apart from the very reason that i blame myself for her death, i just miss her. there's no regret for me to speak of because i feel that i have already done so much with her throughout her life. and yes people, i don't talk about it that much anymore, but i do miss her.

and now i talk about regrets. we hear this statement from so many people around us. "Cherish what you've got before you lost it all." We humans just don't learn. We leave room for regrets, we hurt what we love most, and regret when we lose it. Perhaps we should start noticing that it's these regrets that make us feel human. We all make mistakes, we might or might not learn from them. Perfection itself is an imperfection. When does one person yearn most for perfection? I don't know about others, but for me, it's when one is feeling most vulnerable and alone. That's possibly when that person's inferiority complex is at its highest? We need the perfection to keep our confidence level high. This plan backfires, because perfection is unattainable.

And yes, i am a perfectionist, when I am feeling lost, and alone.

I've got to start living,

with or without you people.