Cleo, dedicated to Blackie.

i think studying is good.

and so is reading.

it keeps your mind off things for that instant.

but the after effects are huge.

somehow or other,

picking up 'Cleo' was one of the hardest decision i ever made.

but no, i don't think i regret this decision.

granted, i closed the book several times,

not because it wasn't nice to read,

not because i was too busy.

it was a nice book to read,

but reading it was hard.

it was as if i knew it had the answer to whatever i wanted,

but dreaded finding out how am i supposed to do it.

i can't exactly find out the answer i wanted,

but there was a perspective i was given at the end of the book.

i knew i would cry, i knew i would take time,

but a voice inside me said 'go for it'.

as much as i wanted to stop reading the book,

the emotions were real,

they were all facing me,

and for a moment,

i thought i saw myself in the book.

when the end reached,

i started to wonder.

if blackie had left in a more complete manner,

would i be more comforted?

leaving broken little pieces around when she left,

it would be a wonder if i actually feel whole.

the difference then and now is hardly visible.

and i wonder if i ever walked out of it.

i'm only human,

i tend to compare.

i know deep inside that if sparky were to leave me one day,

i wouldn't be as upset,

i wouldn't go into a state of depression for whoever knows how long.

i love sparky all the same,

i would miss her too,

but it's different.

blackie was so young.

the words that my dad said then just replayed in my head,

over and over again.

up till today,

the memory of my dad saying that sentence still comes back to me like he had just said it moments ago.

i woke up at the time she left,

for the first time in my 17 years then,

i woke up in the middle of the night.

maybe there were other times,

but it was because of nightmares,

but i clearly remembered that morning.

i woke up for no reason.

i should have woken up then,

but i went back to sleep because it was still dark outside.

but time is not for us to turn back,

and yesterday is something that is gone forever.

everybody wants the rainbow,

but you do need a little rain to see one rainbow.

and maybe when i finish the 'book of tomorrow',

i can finally embrace my future.